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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29359035">can you see what i see?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/origamiskies/pseuds/origamiskies'>origamiskies</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Natsume is Bad at Feelings, Tanuma is an Idiot, idiots to lovers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 04:07:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>23,817</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29359035</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/origamiskies/pseuds/origamiskies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>As Tanuma sees part of Natsume's world more clearly, he begins to understand other parts of Natsume's life better as well—and maybe learns more about himself in the process.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Natsume Takashi/Tanuma Kaname</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>It has been a very long time since I've written anything like this lol but this is more canon elaboration rather than necessarily divergence, but loosely follows what happens in that two part episode at the end of season 3 when Tanuma is possessed by a youkai, with details shifted around to make this fic more interesting.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tanuma felt the sweat gathering on his brow as the sun beat down upon his back and make his uniform stick to his skin. What a way spend a Tuesday, digging in the dirt and looking for shiny things like a magpie hoping that it'll manifest into a magical mirror for a youkai. Good god, he really shouldn't explain it to himself that way again or he'll really know he's lost his mind.</p><p>The most concerning part of it—if we are pausing to assess his mental state here—is that there was a small piece of him that ... didn't want it to be over?</p><p>He was justifying this weird feeling because it was ... nice having Natsume around more consistently and being able to bond over the world of youkai—much less to have a weird, up-close-and-personal experience with it.</p><p>That's what this was, wasn't it? He felt special now that Natsume's attention had to be focused on him. He was literally possessed, like in a being-used-as-a-human-vessel kind of way, and all he could think about was enjoying the attention his friend was giving him? The closeness that they had experien-</p><p>God, why did he have to make this situation even weirder than it already was?</p><p>As embarrassed and stupid as Tanuma felt, he just couldn't shake whatever these feelings were that he had experienced—especially over the past few days. First with how they ended up in this situation in the first place, hearing Natsume say that he didn't want anything to happen to Tanuma, and then that weird flush of embarrassment he felt while they were standing out in the woods, adrenaline rushing through him having just thrown himself in front of his friend moments prior...</p><p>"Tanuma!"</p><p>He immediately felt his face heat up as he was torn out of whatever weird internal reverie he had ended up in. Looking up, <i>thank goodness,</i> it was just Taki.</p><p>"Help us search over here!"</p><p>Brushing his hands off, he headed over towards Taki and Natsume, seeing the latter clutching his eye which he guessed they were just supposed to think wasn't concerning at all. What if the mirror forms and just totally rips Natsume's eye—okay maybe he also didn't want to think about that. But these seemed to be key questions that were never fully addressed in their youkai-related machinations that Tanuma personally thought should at least be explored momentarily.</p><p>"Right there!" Natsume called out, voice thin with pain, pointing at some shining metal.</p><p>Taking a few steps over, Tanuma extracted a ghostly shard of the mirror, having it immediately sucked from his hand into Natsume's eye, which filled him with a deep uneasiness each time it happened.</p><p>"The pain is gone! Thanks, Tanuma," Natsume said, his honey eyes closing in that sweet smile of his as his head tilted, soft golden locks falling to brush against his cheek.</p><p>Tanuma couldn't help but feel his face relax with relief, offering a short nod of affirmation. </p><p>Forget being possessed or having to spend his time that really should be reserved for his school work being spent on finding a youkai's lightning-shattered mirror, one of the most distressing things about this whole experience was seeing his friend voluntarily subject himself to what seemed to be awful pain. It made Tanuma want to find all the parts of the mirror as soon as they could... losing access to Natsume's world in exchange, though, well.. that was something he was still struggling with.</p><p>He just wasn't sure how to feel about his friend's determination through this whole thing. He knew that Natsume was being protective, and he knew even better that Natsume was blaming himself for this whole situation—as he would. But... as giving and selfless as Natsume was, Tanuma couldn't help but wonder if part of what powered his friend's resolve was the intensity he had in pushing people away and shutting them out. Was Tanuma being possessed, and especially being able to communicate with the youkai he was being possessed by, threatening this perfect ecosystem Natsume had set up for himself? Where he wasn't too distant nor too attached to anyone—human or youkai? </p><p>Thinking about it filled Tanuma with an emotion he couldn't describe. It was like the panic of being drawn away from the shore by a powerful tide back into churning, uncertain waters when all you wanted to do was rest in the warmth of the sand.</p><p>"Erm ... Tanuma?"</p><p>Goddammit.</p><p>Coming back into focus he realized he had been- he felt his stomach drop and face heat up in a whirlwind of reactions- full-on staring at Natsume!</p><p>"Oh! Uh... sorry I think being exposed to youkai is making me feel weird."</p><p><i>Using me as an excuse? How pathetic, do not get me involved in whatever is going on in your head.</i>
</p><p>Beyond feeling the fear of being scolded within his own head, it was even worse seeing worry cast its shadow across Nastume's expression, especially right when he had been just smiling a few moments before.</p><p>"What's wrong? Do you need to go home? I'm-"</p><p>"That's it. Stop being a mother hen, Natsume, he can take care of himself. He's not that much of a wimp.</p><p>Or at least I certainly hope not."</p><p>A certain glean cast over Ponta's eyes at the latter statement, his tone mirthful as he waddled out from the bushes.</p><p>"Nyanko-sensei!"</p><p>"I am not wasting any more of my time on this today," he purred. "Take me home and feed me, Natsume."</p><p>Natsume looked beyond exasperated, his lungs deflated and eyes glowing in what was now the setting sun that cast an orange glow and deep purple shadows across the school grounds.</p><p>"Shouldn't you both head to Tanuma's house?" Taki asked innocently, but not without a particularly amused glance in Tanuma's direction. "It seems smart for you two to stick together until the mirror is fully formed."</p><p>Tanuma felt his face heat up at Taki's suggestion for them to carry on as just the two—well I guess technically four?—of them. Her sly smile is what he gets for mentioning to Taki that he had come up with a system for understanding each of Natsume's facial expressions—he was just being a good friend and was trying to do Taki a favor by letting her in on what he had figured out. And this is what he gets in return? Harassment? Well, and at the time when he'd mentioned this she just laughed and laughed and said, <i>You sure do pay attention to Natsume a lot don't you?</i> He clearly was just a better friend taking the time to figure it out is what he told himself and Taki.</p><p>That aside, he notices Natsume hesitate briefly, almost like he was flinching. Jesus, of course he had already reached what Tanuma was certain was the maximum allotment of time he wanted to spend with Tanuma each day which is why-</p><p>"I'm sure they have delicious food and sake over in that temple, I deserve a feast after all this trouble you've gotten both of yourselves into!" Ponta cheered gleefully, wobbling across Natsume's shoulders.</p><p>"If it's okay-" Natsume started.</p><p>"Fine with me. My dad is away on a business trip anyways. Let's go, it's starting to get dark," Tanuma finished, trying to brush off Natsume coming over as completely casual and totally not making him feel like a hive of bees had taken residence in his stomach. Maybe it was part of this whole youkai-possession business.</p><p><i>You wish,</i> he heard his resident youkai purr in his mind.</p><p>What the hell was that supposed to mean? But really, it did feel like there was a small earthquake happening inside of him. A lot had happened over the past few days, he thought to himself. It could make sense that his nerves were just fried from the whole experience and letting it be known now.</p><p>He just wanted a warm, comfortable evening with some food and a way to just help Natsume relax, especially about this whole possession and mirror situation, just to show it wasn't all his fault. He liked the idea of getting to have this quiet time with Natsume, no class bells or the always interrupting youkai cutting their conversations short. Maybe it would help Natsume be at ease and show that Tanuma could be helpful, even if just through being a listening ear. He chose to ignore how that set a spark alight inside of him as he walked towards the direction of home, hearing Natsume and the youkai cat arguing with one another over something guaranteed to be ridiculous—from a brief listen, it was about fried squid?—thinking about maybe there could be a moment of peace amongst the frenzy of the past few days.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>All that disorganized attachment in one person... It is also my excuse for any kind of inconsistencies in Natsume's thoughts lol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Holding Nyanko-sensei tightly against his chest, Natsume remained a few paces behind Tanuma as they approached the temple.</p><p>It wasn't like this was the first time Natsume had ever come over, but it's different when everyone is just coming over after school. When the chatter is loud from everyone sharing their days and clamoring for snacks, there was enough busyness for Natsume to hide behind and just act as the friend that could listen. Especially when there were enough of them, no one would notice that he didn't speak up or share anything—they were usually too spent from talking about their own days with one another to keep tally about who had talked when, he noticed.</p><p>But approaching Tanuma's home as the night crept in, really just the two of them felt more ... domestic somehow. It was too soft, too warm, almost like the second Natsume focused too closely on it it would dissolve like a morning fog when the sun rose. It was too good for him.</p><p>Especially knowing his knack for good luck, it would only be a matter of minutes until some other youkai showed up and got Tanuma tangled up in one of Natsume's messes again.</p><p>His guilt at the thought and this situation as a whole burned at his stomach to where he could almost taste it on his tongue. Even more sickening, he felt himself desperately clinging onto this moment of closeness he was feeling with Tanuma.</p><p>Having someone so close to him, who not just knew that he could see youkai but was now nearly as intertwined with their world as he was ... god, he was such a fucked up person. Because this was all his fault anyways. He had failed to protect his dear friend—especially one that didn't run away or call him a liar when he had finally shared he could see youkai. It was something Natsume clearly didn't deserve, because now he was taking advantage of it. He was selfish trying to make this moment one that he could enjoy when it was clearly at his friend's expense.</p><p>The twisting he felt in his heart went beyond the times that people called him a liar or even a freak—he resented the alienation that followed when people started calling him these names, but at least he knew they were just ignorant to the world he saw.</p><p>This was different. It stung at his heart and felt like a knife being twisted right in his gut. Because if someone accused him of enjoying this time while his friend suffered, who was he to deny it? He could not deny that small, tiny spark that was lodged deep within his heart that hoped for this to never end. He hated himself for it.</p><p>He needed to quit having this crisis, though, at least while he was around Tanuma. Natsume could feel him bargaining himself. Maybe.. maybe he could just enjoy having this time with him tonight. Then they would complete the mirror tomorrow and he would no longer be tempted by this idea of Tanuma being a part of his world like that. That.. that could be his punishment. The wall could go back up- maybe he wouldn't even have to do that, Natsume quickly realized. Tanuma would probably just run away from him after this.</p><p>That's right, he was probably just being nice to Natsume because he was scared. A small wave of relief flooded Natsume's body, as bitter and acrid as it felt knowing that this closeness that had developed between them would wash away like sandcastles taken by the tide, but at least it was familiar. They always left. And at least he wouldn't have to be the one cutting Tanuma off, try as he might he could never deny Tanuma access the way he could with others. That softness.. his quietness.. it melted right through the cold barriers that often scared others away. It made Natsume feel out of control. It scared him, not knowing how to stop Tanuma from getting too close, and now Tanuma had gotten burned in the process.</p><p>At least maybe it would teach Tanuma the lesson of getting too close to him. And knowing that Tanuma would probably run the other direction after this was all said and done, Natsume felt more justified in holding onto this feeling for the evening. Just for this evening, he could pretend that he wasn't swept up in these churning thoughts. Just for this evening, he could be in this warmth, this softness, knowing that he could control himself enough not to ruin it like he always did for just one night.</p><p>It was settled then, just allow it for this one night, fix what got him in this situation in the first place, and his penance would inevitably come. He nearly hummed a soft agreement to himself, contracting himself to his own terms and conditions of this situation, as he slid off his shoes entering the warmth of Tanuma's home.</p><p>"Food! Food! Food!" Nyanko-sensei chanted as he sprung away from Natsume, barreling towards the kitchen.</p><p>"Sensei!" Natsume whined, ready to run after him until he felt a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>"It's okay, I'm sure he can't reach all the shelves," Tanuma reassured, letting his hand release from Natsume's shoulder to remove his coat. Natsume met his eye contact and felt himself melt in that warmth Tanuma always held.</p><p>
  <em>Just this night.</em>
</p><p>They plodded over to the kitchen and-</p><p>"Ponta! Not the sake!"</p><p>"Whaaaaa~ finder's keepers, isn't that the rule," Nyanko-sensei drawled, clearly beyond pleased with himself at finding such a treasure.</p><p>But it caught Natsume by surprise that instead of chasing down Nyanko-sensei, Tanuma instead threw an amused glance over his shoulder towards Natsume. It caught him by surprise for a second, until he returned the smile with a soft laugh and scratch of his head—he couldn't pretend he was entirely amused by Nyanko-sensei's tired antics, but it was nice to see Tanuma smile like that.</p><p>Shoulder-to-shoulder, Natsume and Tanuma peered in the fridge making a hodge podge dinner of leftovers and snacks. He was tired and imagined Tanuma felt the same, especially since he always seemed to fade fast whenever he was exposed to youkai. It was nice to watch Tanuma just unwind before him, and for Natsume to follow suit, and to know that there was no need for formalities or pretenses between them.</p><p>————</p><p>After they'd eaten, Natsume basked in the glow of Tanuma's company. Their conversation was soft and slow, especially compared to the frenetic nature of the past few days. It felt good to share a laugh, especially at Nyanko-sensei's expense over his sake-induced behavior. While neither of them were particularly talkative, it made each word just that much sweeter. This was something he had always appreciated about his friend, how their conversation actually moved at a pace he could participate in versus feeling like everyone else had been given a script besides him. He could pause and think about his responses, Tanuma's dark, inviting eyes always there and waiting with rapt expectation to meet his when he had thought of his answer.</p><p>This also made Natsume feel like he had swallowed a stone, chilling his stomach and twisting it in knots. The knowledge that this would likely be one of the only times they could truly do this in earnest... he decided to just enjoy it for now. This was affirmed when he met Tanuma's gaze after both of them had been seemingly in their own heads. Natsume offered a soft smile at how relaxed Tanuma looked. He seemed to have more life in his eyes and face, especially given he had been feeling unwell this past little bit. It was nice to see and Natsume took a few extra moments to savor it.</p><p>"Say Natsume..."</p><p>"Mmm?"</p><p>Tanuma seemed to think over whether or not to ask his question again. He didn't mind waiting, especially as he watched his friend's lips quiver for a second like he was having his own conversation with himself, finding the right words to ask. He had always appreciated the care and thoughtfulness Tanuma extended, he saw how much effort it took.</p><p>"If you were given the choice to no longer see youkai..." Tanuma paused. "Would you take it?"</p><p>Natsume felt himself draw into himself some, his gaze dropping and shoulders slouching.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Natsume, you don't have to-"</p><p>Eyes lifting back up, he smiled and offered a huff of a laugh.</p><p>"Tanuma..."</p><p>His friend's worrying dialogue paused.</p><p>"It's okay. It's just.." He looked out the window into the night, imagining like he had time and time again what it would be like not wondering if the brush rustled with youkai making their way through, or even seeing the smaller ones perched in a tree here or there. Would it bring him peace? Or make his skin itch with restlessness? How could he live with himself either way?</p><p>"I haven't quite figured out the answer myself." He offered an apologetic glance Tanuma's way.</p><p>Tanuma closed his eyes, seeming to seal that glance within him and offered a small smile and hum of affirmation. He was grateful that Tanuma accepted the answers he gave him.</p><p>For this reason, he was surprised when he saw Tanuma's mouth part for a second and glance carefully at Natsume.</p><p>"...Do you think you'd want to be with someone else who can see youkai?"</p><p>The icy, caught feeling in his stomach quickly turned into something else. It ignited with a spark of adrenaline, burning and chewing in his stomach as he felt it flood his body. His face felt hot with .. what? Nervousness? Anticipation? It felt like a threat, whatever it was. This conflicted with his understanding of the situation. Where he thought Tanuma would be rearing to run in the opposite of anything youkai after this experience, there was something in his voice that held ... something that concerned Natsume. It sounded like hope or expectation, like he wanted Natsume's approval more than an answer to his question. It was a question that said <em>let me in</em>, that asked for Tanuma to be more involved in Natsume's life than he already was. and Natsume wouldn't- couldn't let that happen.</p><p>He had felt Tanuma prying at the walls that he'd purposefully set up around how much his friends understood and experienced when it came to youkai. It had happened when Tanuma flung himself in front of Natsume, leading to this whole situation they were already in, and now this series of questions prodding at Natsume's personal relationship to the youkai realm and how that affected his relationships.</p><p><em>You don't even know what you're trying to ask...</em> he thought mournfully.</p><p>Because in order for Tanuma to truly understand the complexities of youkai, Natsume would have to decide to let him in. If that didn't destroy Tanuma in the process... when he inevitably chose to leave...</p><p>Not realizing his brow was furrowed, he unclenched it, trying to smooth out his expression and fake a yawn.</p><p>"Hmm? I must be tired. You need rest, too."</p><p>Natsume stood up abruptly, not giving Tanuma time to reply as he cleared his place and padded towards the door—fast enough to signal that the conversation was over, but slow enough to hopefully convince Tanuma that he just hadn't heard the question. A small piece of him hoped that he could salvage the warmth and comfort he had found in their conversation earlier.</p><p>His hopes were quickly dashed, though, when he saw Tanuma's expression shift from surprise to his lips pressing into a thin line and his gaze hardening. He distantly heard Tanuma offer a hum of affirmation though, seemingly going along with his ruse about the quick shift in conversation. And try as he might—and as intoxicated as Nyanko-sensei may be—he couldn't avoid exchanging glances with his companion that seemed to have a certain... pointedness to it.</p><p>But Nyanko-sensei, seemingly getting whatever message it was he wanted to get across, seemed to relent and obnoxiously sang out, "Tanuma! Tanuma! Natsume is weak and useless and makes me, a wisened, majestic creature walk myself to bed. You know if you do a youkai a favor, they will give you one in return~"</p><p>Natsume laughed softly as Tanuma made a noise in protest followed by a sarcastic, "Yeah right."</p><p>"You should be grateful! I'm offering you an opportunity of a lifetime, insolent human!"</p><p>"Fine, fine, fine, just stop yelling," Tanuma exhaled, standing up and gripping Nyanko-sensei under his forelegs.</p><p>"Show some reverence!"</p><p>Rolling his eyes, Tanuma went from holding the drunk cat youkai with arms outstretched to cradling him against his chest.</p><p>With a purr of contentedness—and an unamused expression from Tanuma—Natsume ducked out of the room just as they would have been standing side-by-side. He wanted the warmth and comfort of their conversation, but he couldn't handle the closeness that that demanded right now.</p><p>A small piece of him felt like a cornered animal, knowing that there was an endless expanse of the night for more questions to come up. And with questions come answers that could mislead Tanuma into making decisions he didn't know he was making. Or Natsume confessing things he didn't have any intention of sharing, much less admitting to himself.</p><p>He would be lying if he said he hadn't asked himself the same question, but then he remembered the feeling of bitterness that washed over him when he realized he had been stupid enough to think someone would want to be with him—whether or not they could see youkai. Frankly, he still couldn't quite wrap his head around how his grandmother ended up having a child much less finding someone to have a child with.</p><p>Because everyone eventually left. It was a matter of enjoying the brief time that they were warm and welcoming to him. While letting Tanuma into his world of youkai was a new choice, he imagined that it just prolonged that period of time. This current fascination Tanuma had with Natsume's relationship with youkai was just part of it, Natsume told himself. Eventually, he knew he would fade from Tanuma's mind, like a memory you have from childhood where you can't quite tell if it was something you actually experienced or a story you had been told.</p><p>In Natsume's mind, the most important thing was to prevent Tanuma from being permanently marked by their time together so when he did leave, he could do so and let their time together slip from his memory like water off a stone.</p><p>But even in this matrix of logic, Natsume knew that a piece of him was deeply afraid of being the one who left—especially by accident. He worried Touko-san and Shigeru-san enough when he came home a bit late with his clothing ruffled, he couldn't imagine just getting eaten by a youkai some day and having someone waiting from him at home. Because then, he wouldn't even be as bad as the people who had left him. He'd be worse, at least in his mind. They had abandoned him out of ignorance. He would have abandoned someone out of pure selfishness for not being able to choose between the worlds.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry this is on the slightly slower side, but enjoy some flashbacks, Nyanko &amp; Tanuma bonding, and get ready for all these extended metaphors to really get geared up next chapter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tanuma had a dream just like this before.</p><p>In this dream, they were running. From or towards something, Tanuma was never clear on the details. But they were just running. As they ran, Natsume was always just a few too many steps ahead, always just out of reach, and every time Tanuma seemed to draw closer—just to the point of being able to reach out and bridge the gap between them—suddenly his friend was leaps and bounds ahead. It was beyond exasperating, he remembers trying to call out to Natsume to just <i>slow down,</i> but Tanuma also felt like he couldn't stop running. There was this incredible magnetism to keep following, keep chasing his friend down winding hallways, through fog, and other shifting sceneries that collapsed one into the next.</p><p>
  <i>Why do you always have to be running?</i>
</p><p>He had woken from that dream panting and out of breath, his shirt sticking to him from his sweat and feeling like he had truly been running the whole time—and more tired than he had felt going to sleep, much to his disdain. Tanuma's heart had felt so heavy, still feeling that deep sense of longing and magnetism that drew him towards Natsume paired with that feeling of his friend always being out of reach. At the time, Tanuma had  smiled in spite of himself, laughing some what mirthfully, and thinking, <i>That's really how it is, isn't it, Natsume?</i></p><p>It was true that when his friend drew away like this it hurt. It always created that ache in his heart that nearly compelled him to rub at his chest in an attempt to dissipate the pain. But alas, Tanuma himself knew that the sensation was deeper than just a physical hurt. But this was not his first rodeo dealing with Natsume when he was like this.</p><p>He actually almost laughed to himself thinking of the first time he had experienced this sudden shift with his friend. While his heart still ached thinking about it, there was a tenderness that he savored. Even now, when he felt like Natsume had sunk a dagger into his heart and ran, he couldn't help but feel that weird nervousness bubble up in his stomach when reminiscing upon the beginnings of their friendship.</p><p>It had been shortly after he met Natsume for the first time. They had shared a few conversations and incidental meetings on walks to and from home by this point, but this time they had found themselves walking home from school at the same time as one another. The weather had been nice and Tanuma remembered enjoying having a chance to talk to Natsume for more than a few moments in passing.</p><p>There was a sincerity to Natsume that Tanuma had always appreciated, even when they first met. Where everyone else was so eager to keep topics light and effortless, he could tell that Natsume thought about things deeply and was more inclined to simply listen than say something inane and thoughtless. </p><p>Was Natsume exceedingly polite and avoidant of revealing basically anything about himself? Tanuma will be the first to agree. But when it came to the issues of others, he saw the care that Natsume took in trying to really see the other person's perspective and where they were at rather than giving ineffectual advice or hurting someone's feelings through an inattentive comment.</p><p><i>Hilarious given the situation we are in now.</i> He thought darkly.</p><p>Tanuma doesn't even remember what they had been discussing that particular time, but just like this time they had been having an enjoyable conversation, Natsume doing that cute thing where his head tilts and his eyes close as he smiles—wait, cute? Is that the word Tanuma was going to use to reminisce on this? He did feel like if he were to ask other people they would agree it was an objectively cute thing to do... well anyways, they had been talking when they arrived at the bridge on the path. Natsume had paused suddenly, looking down into the water, his soft expression turning into one that was indecipherable.</p><p>"Do you see something?" Tanuma had asked as he peered down towards the river, seeing nothing except the glimmer on the water and roll of the current.</p><p>Natsume's mouth had parted, as if he was going to speak, only to close it again and take off running in the opposite direction, leaving him confused and certain he had done something to ruin their interaction—not just that, but make Natsume literally <i>run</i> in the opposite direction!</p><p>When he tried to eat dinner with his father that night, all he could feel was the knot that had formed in his stomach over the whole thing. Looking back, Tanuma is certain Natsume had seen a youkai, hence why he booked it in the opposite direction. But at the time, he kept himself up nearly all night just analyzing their interaction over and over and over again—unable to get over how Natsume's gentle expression had quickly turned. He had eventually entered an anguished sleep, torn apart on the inside over not being able to figure out what he had done wrong.</p><p>He had decided pretty much the second Natsume started running that he was going to need to apologize—over what was a different question entirely—but imagine his surprise when Natsume was the one that was concerned about <i>him!</i></p><p>"Did you sleep?" Natsume had asked, brow furrowed as he looked at the bags under his eyes.</p><p>"Er, no... I'm sorry for-"</p><p>"For?" Natsume dared to look surprised and even confused about what Tanuma was even talking about!</p><p>"Well yesterday..."</p><p>"Oh!" Numerous expressions seemed to flicker over Natsume's face, including the one he had seen yesterday of his walls going up and expression shutting down. He remembered how they stood in silence for a moment, Natsume's expression blank but guarded as Tanuma had just stood there, amazed he had managed to make an even bigger mess of the whole situation like the idiot he was- "I'm sorry, I had... forgotten something," Natsume hesitantly offered.</p><p><i>Forget... something?</i> Tanuma remembers thinking at the time, completely confused about how forgetting something meant needing to start sprinting in the opposite direction without saying something like, I don't know, 'I forgot something.' But now this conversation was familiar. It wasn't so much Natsume lying per se, or at least that's what Tanuma had decided to tell himself, but rather that Natsume couldn't share the truth but didn't want to hurt your feelings in the process.</p><p>"Ah... I see."</p><p>"But..." Tanuma had remembered Natsume pausing, a small glimmer of that warmth he possessed coming through his otherwise steely expression. It was almost like a small vine trying to reach out beyond the fence that kept it shut it, attempting to make contact outside its confines. "We can walk home this evening... to finish our conversation."</p><p>Maybe that was the first time he had felt that buzz deep in his stomach at the thought of getting to walk home with Natsume. He had just been excited to make a new friend, especially one that had a calmer and quieter temperament like Natsume, people get that feeling when they're excited about new friendships, right? But since then, there'd been many of these episodes of being let in a few steps only to be seemingly pushed all the way back to the front gate of Natsume's psyche. Sometimes Tanuma didn't mind the challenge, he was stubborn, prideful, and being strategic about how to interact with his temperamental friend sometimes made him feel accomplished, like if he could just say the right things and approach it the right way... he would be let in completely. But there were also times where being pushed out like that didn't spark his competitive spirit, it left him feeling hollow and crushed.</p><p> And now here he was, uncertain whether this was one of those times that made him want to persist and to show his friend that he was safe and cared for or if it made him just want to lay in the cool grass outside and cry his eyes out due to the exhaustion of it all. <i>Ugh, maybe a little mix of both.</i></p><p>While he had come to understand Natsume's way of functioning over the course of their friendship, he still hated it when he got this way. It was like trying to convince a trapped animal that you're there to release it rather than skin it. All the animal knows is that you are approaching it and it can't run away, your intentions be damned. Similarly, he could feel Natsume trying to run even now just like that dream, the way he skirted around corners just a touch faster than he should and veering towards the opposite side of the hallway that Tanuma was walking on. Let's just say he's not as subtle as he thinks he is.</p><p>It was always such a delicate balance of figuring out when to reach out and reconnect after moments like this, versus letting Natsume stray too far and mentally run away even if he was physically there with you. Geez, wasn't Tanuma supposed to be the patient here? Sigh.</p><p>
  <i>Man, Ponta's heavy! How does-</i>
</p><p>"Nuu!~"</p><p>"Ponta!" Tanuma groaned. The damned cat beast had just sprung from his arms and bounded towards some completely opposite corner of the house. Without a second thought, he was bounding right after him. He had seen Natsume pause briefly at the entrance to his room, but upon seeing Tanuma chasing after the youkai cat seemed satisfied leaving Tanuma to finish the wild goose chase on his own. </p><p>Turning the corner, he saw the calico seated quite expectantly, clearly waiting for Tanuma.</p><p>"Give him a moment."</p><p>"Wha-" Tanuma started, then it clicked in his mind what Natsume's companion was doing and gave a small nod.</p><p>"You two are so stupid. Thank goodness your lifetimes are so short so I will be free of your nonsense soon," the cat huffed as he licked a paw to swipe over his ears.</p><p>"This better not be my favor..." he replied flatly.</p><p>"Ha! You wish. That should be enough time. Pick me up!"</p><p>"So demanding..."</p><p>"Shut it. Less talking, more carrying."</p><p>When they entered Tanuma's room, he blanched with shock to find Natsume literally laying on the floor just with a pillow. Tanuma nearly smacked himself in the face. He understood that Natsume's living situations had sometimes been chaotic at best, but it really amazed him how those experiences had completely eliminated Natsume's abilities to read the context of situations—like how Tanuma would still be providing him a blanket even if Natsume seemed like he wanted to run away like a spooked deer.</p><p>"You can take my bed," Tanuma offered, but immediately regretted it given the clear anguish this caused Natsume since it clearly competed with whatever was going in that head of his.</p><p>"I mean... one second, let me get you some bedding."</p><p>The molten agony that stirred in Natsume's eyes seemed to cool a bit, lord, he knew he had bragged to Taki about mentally compiling the <i>Encyclopedia Britannica</i>  of Natsume's expressions, but he wouldn't complain if Natsume decided to throw a word or two out there to decipher some of these more multifaceted expressions his friend was sporting at this time.</p><p>Natsume took the bedding from him when handed to him and softly offered a "thank you" before laying down, Ponta quickly snuggling up at his side.</p><p>Tanuma climbed into his own bed, laying on his side and gazing at Natsume for a second with a sigh. At least he looked relaxed. Sigh, this hadn't really gone the way he anticipated, but he also knew that whatever feelings those questions had stirred up, well, Natsume would do as Natsume does and shove that all down so deeply that this would completely blow over by the morning and Tanuma would be left feeling crazy for thinking something had been wrong. In the short-term, sure, this was an easier strategy, Tanuma would give his friend that, but he often wondered about the long-term sustainability of it all.</p><p>But in this moment, it was nice to see Natsume tucked in and while perhaps not relaxed, he was at least safe. Maybe it would sound a little bit paranoid if Tanuma said it out loud, but between the intense adventures Natsume would end up on and the nightmares he would have about Natsume and youkai, he would wake up worrying about his friend's well-being more than he would like to admit.</p><p>There was a hilarious irony how the more Natsume tried to minimize his presence in a room or downplay a situation he had ended up in with the local youkai, the more space he took up in Tanuma's mind. He knew if he were to ever share this information, Natsume would be mortified anyone was thinking about him at all.</p><p>One of these days, he would get it through his friend's surprisingly thick skull— </p><p><i>maybe that's how he's survived all these fights and falls...</i> he thought briefly...</p><p>—that that's what friends do, they think about and care for one another.</p><p>He realized that as he thought this, he was gazing at Natsume. Part of him wishes that his friend hadn't turned his back to him, just so he could know that Natsume was at least asleep, even if not necessarily peacefully. As stubborn as he was, he couldn't imagine Natsume holding onto that ridiculous guarded expression he'd get when, I don't know, friends would actually try to ask him about his life or interests.</p><p>Tanuma started to consider what Natsume's face looked like when relaxed and peaceful, until he was distracted by a soft glimmer in the dar- <i>SHIT!</i> He felt his face ignite with utter embarrassment as he met Ponta's narrowed, indecipherable gaze realizing he had just been full-on gazing and staring at Natsume... just like earlier today, geez was this youkai possession business melting his brain? With the softest amused "hmph," Ponta proceeded to turn himself around with now his nubby tail meeting Tanuma's line of sight. He would figure out how to feel about that whole exchange... well actually all the exchanges he had had with the ridiculous cat at another time.</p><p>But now in the expanse of darkness and quietness that enveloped them, he felt the all too familiar weight of his own mind bearing down on him. While he often thought Natsume's reactions to things were a combination of both completely understandable given his experiences and simultaneously not true at all, or at least not needing to be true, he sometimes wondered if Natsume was actually right about all of it. That he really couldn't let people in without grave consequences. That as much as Tanuma wanted to be even just a good friend, it literally wasn't possible given Natsume's situation.</p><p>Even more deeply, and this is where he felt the cold fear and heaviness of this sit thick between his ribs like ice, was that Tanuma was making this all worse for Natsume. That he was too weak and by knowing about Natsume's abilities at all, or possessing any amount himself, made it messier, more painful, and more agonizing. Would just being fully and completely rejected by human society at least bring some finality and peace for him? Or would that truly be too much to bear? Would the youkai world still destroy him in turn?</p><p>It was difficult for Tanuma not to feel completely useless to Natsume's predicaments and feelings. Natsume himself made the effort hard enough and even with the time that Tanuma would spend laboring over how to approach his friend about specific topics or experiences, it still sometimes felt like he was walking blindly into a minefield that he was just destined to fail—and much more, get Natsume hurt in the process of trying to protect him. Was he even worth protecting? Natsume's abilities and role here were clearly more important to the youkai than Tanuma could ever imagine for himself, how could he forgive himself if Natsume got hurt trying to protect him? Someone who, in all honesty, was just a blip on the radar of human history.</p><p>Ugh, no, no more spiraling. He could figure out how to be useful and have his own skills. He thought it was being the person Natsume could turn to for matters of the heart or making decisions, and it could still be that, today was just a bump in the road. This wouldn't be their last conversation, as much as Natsume maybe wished for that, and there could be other opportunities to make that possible especially when he wasn't possessed or trying to scrounge around for pieces of a magical mirror—ah yes, simpler times.</p><p>He felt a small rumble of amusement in the back of his mind-shit! He had nearly forgotten how this youkai was just basically residing in his mind, ugh he was tired of today. Definitely time to sleep it off, he thought to himself as he closed his eyes.</p><p>
  <b>I can relate.</b>
</p><p>Tanuma's body stiffened as the youkai's voice became more prominent in his mind. Relate to what? This being a long, confusing, and hectic day—I mean there was that brief lull of relaxation but right back to angst city after that.</p><p>
  <b>About your .. friendship.</b>
</p><p>
  <i>What do you mean?</i>
</p><p>Was he really having a mental conversation with himself? <i>That's how thinking works, you idiot,</i> he immediately thought to himself, feeling beyond mortified that this youkai was probably realizing she had inhabited the dumbest human she had ever interacted with.</p><p>
  <b>I'll show you in a dream.</b>
</p><p>Tanuma ..thought a sense of affirmation in his mind space, though he was hesitant about this whole dream business. But he was exhausted and at least this meant he would be dreaming about someone else's issues rather than having another dream of desperately chasing after his friend followed by that ache in his heart of wondering if, one day, Natsume would just truly leave him behind. How could he make himself permanent in his life?</p><p>The question rang out in his mind as he felt into the darkness of sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Natsume was suddenly in a field of lush grass rippling with the wind. The air was electric with anticipation. Natsume watched what he recognized as the youkai possessing Tanuma walk through this field, clearly anxious to meet her companion that was approaching from the opposite horizon. But as they drew closer, Natsume felt that electricity fizzle and collapse, twisting into a knot of confusion and loss. This other figure, wrapped in cloaks with bandages around their head and face, waved the other youkai away, her face visibly upset.</p><p>Natsume woke suddenly, looking up to see Tanuma sitting up in bed. As their gazes met, he realized the youkai had emerged and was currently in control of Tanuma's body.</p><p>"You were looking into my dream, weren't you kid?"</p><p>"Was that the friend you're looking for?" Natsume asked. "Can you heal him with that mirror?"</p><p>The sharp gaze of the youkai melted into something softer, sadder as he felt her memories overtake his consciousness. He was now watching her travel far and wide, clearly seeking a cure for her friend only to be told that there was no hope—leaving the memories with a sense of growing despair.</p><p>Natsume's heart ached on her behalf as he watched these memories pass by. It was clear how deeply she cared for her friend and Natsume admired her steadfastness in searching for a cure. In these situations, he always inevitably wondered what he would do if facing the same dilemma—and this time was no different. It was impossible for him not to picture in his mind those he considered dearest to him, knowing they were the ones he would make this journey for. The Fujiwaras, Nyanko-sensei, Tanuma...</p><p>Natsume sighed to himself.</p><p>
  <em>Tanuma.</em>
</p><p>A small lump formed in his throat thinking about Tanuma. About how his friend had clearly taken a risk in asking the question he had asked only for Natsume to just completely ignore it and practically run to bed.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p><p>The guilt he felt boiled in his stomach about this painful waltz between them. Every time Natsume pushed him two steps back, Tanuma managed to get three steps closer. A piece of him was tired of it. Tired of maintaining this ever-present vigilance of how close people could get to him, of having to justify the hurt he saw in their eyes when he did eventually push them away, of laying awake in bed at night wondering if his actions were fully justifiable.</p><p>The fact that this was becoming a repeated ritual or that people had started to show hurt in response to the distance he created was in itself shocking enough to Natsume. He had become accustomed to the familiar cycle of people being warm and inviting when he first met them, only to wait until they inevitably grew to hate and fear him. He was always too weird, too intense, unable to control himself, and always bringing trouble to others.</p><p>At first, he thought that if he could control his behavior and just be <em>better</em>, maybe, just maybe, he could have the friends that lasted more than a few weeks, foster parents that wouldn't yell at him or forget to feed him, maybe ... maybe he could be worth being around. But it quickly became clear that solitude was the only thing waiting to embrace him. He never had to try to maintain distance, it was freely given. It was the closeness of others that he had to fight for, and after awhile he just didn't have the energy. Especially when he was being passed around from family to family, he figured he would just enjoy those first few weeks of them trying to look like good parents—because he knew it was less about him than how they looked to others taking in a strange kid. He knew it was so they could say they tried, that he was the one who fucked it up by bringing misfortune to their house and family when it came time to send him off to the next family. This cycle of loneliness, it wasn't what Natsume wanted necessarily, but it became familiar.</p><p>But now there was Tanuma.</p><p>Tanuma who came back when pushed away. Tanuma who let Natsume open up to him rather than prying his thoughts open. Tanuma who did not just stay when Natsume shared he could see youkai, but seemed to envy it, who seemed to wish that he could see the world the way Natsume saw it.</p><p>The lump that had formed in his throat stung.</p><p>In this waltz they had created between each other, Natsume's tiredness sometimes tempted him with impossible realities: instead of pushing, falling into Tanuma's arms and being held by them; thanking him for continuing to return each time; wondering what Tanuma would say in reply.</p><p>He did not let himself think about these possibilities often, because their impossibility ate him alive from the inside out and made him feel like he was on fire. As much as he could dream and hope for a different result, his experiences proved otherwise. They showed him that the care others showed towards him always, always faded, it was just a matter of time. But this time, he just couldn't stop himself, reeling as he imagined what could've happened if he had just responded to Tanuma's question after dinner. What could have been possible if he admitted that he just wanted to be with someone who understood him, whether or not that meant being able to see youkai? Because the actual ability of sight guaranteed nothing—as evidenced by the many exorcists and their "ethics"—because there was a difference in simply <em>looking</em> at versus truly <em>seeing</em> the world of youkai.. and his world in turn.</p><p>Natsume's attention returned to the youkai's journey were she was trudging through the snow as the wind howled around her, these winged youkai terrorizing her. He watched as the sun peeked over the horizon, light spilling over the wintry landscape with a warm glow and the winged youkai shrieking and dissolving midair. Most importantly, he felt even his heart leap at watching the mirror material in the sunlight in front of the youkai, a sense of relief weighing in the air.</p><p>They were now back at that field Natsume had witnessed in her dream, but this time... it was empty. He watched sadly as she called into the air, telling her friend that she had something to cure their disease, only to be met with the howling of the wind.</p><p>Suddenly, there was the sound of glass breaking nearby, pulling both of them out of the space of her memories.</p><p>Natsume watched as the youkai retreated back into Tanuma, his eyes changing from that of the youkai's back to his dark brown. For just a second, Natsume let himself feel into that deep ache he had felt while watching the youkai go on this quest to cure her friend. How could he know he'd do the same thing for his friend, but be unable to speak to him about this very feeling?</p><p>"Huh? Natsume?"</p><p>Their eyes locked and Natsume couldn't help but take in how sweet Tanuma looked in this moment. The way his hair was tousled, his eyes soft in the moonlight that streamed in. While it was absolutely <em>not</em> the time to be thinking about this, he felt absolutely transfixed by both Tanuma in front of him and the swell of mixed emotions in his chest that honestly frightened him. That "what if" of just finally surrendering to letting someone else in, of seeing what would happen even if he just tried. But then guilt quickly rose up in his gut, reminding himself the promise he had made to himself. That it would just be this one last time to involve Tanuma in his world... and then no longer. It had clearly gone too far and even in this moment, Natsume was failing to protect Tanuma by falling into this impossible reverie. This was it, he would just take care of Tanuma until he was safe, not possessed by a youkai, and then he could deal with all of these ... feelings when he was alone again. Loneliness, the place he inevitably returned. At least it was familiar.</p><p>"Tanuma, are you okay?"</p><p>"Did I .. again?"</p><p>Natsume felt his stomach flip as he heard the wobble in Tanuma's voice, was that embarrassment? He could only manage a firm hum in response.</p><p>"That sound was from the temple," Tanuma replied, the soft sleepiness of his gaze sharpening as he woke up.</p><p>Natsume quickly rose and heard Tanuma right behind him as they walked quickly down the corridor to stand in front of a broken window.</p><p>"A thief?" Tanuma questioned, sounding a bit skeptical even at his own suggestion.</p><p>"It's broken from the outside," Natsume offered, contemplating. His eyes followed the broken glass down to the floor to see- Natsume's eyes widened and his breath caught as he saw the large, dark footprints covering the floor like spilled ink. Carefully, he began following their path. His heart began to beat faster, thrumming in his ears. <em>I have to find it before it finds Tanuma.</em></p><p>In his gut, he already knew it was the shadow youkai with that enormous mallet, and knowing this sent adrenaline surging through his body. Trying to focus on his breathing, he continued to follow the footprints down the hall as they went all the way into a room, the door slightly ajar.</p><p>With care, he came to crouch at the entrance of the room, peering into the darkness and waiting for his eyes to adjust. The youkai had to be in there, it couldn't have gotten that far and especially given it was searching for something it wasn't going to be moving too quickly. He tried to swallow quietly as his heart hammered in his chest.</p><p>Suppressing a gasp, Natsume nearly leapt out of his skin feeling Tanuma come to crouch behind him. Feeling him gently brush against his back made his stomach feel like someone had let a flare off inside of it, completely frying his senses. It was impossible to tell if his rapid heartbeat was from the scare, the situation they were in the first place, or such a brief and passing touch. Either way, it dangerously pulled him back into those wandering thoughts he had earlier, this horrible, insatiable curiosity that made his stomach churn of just wondering what it would feel like to just... be held by him. It made him want to cry and be sick at the same time, how these thoughts wouldn't go away as desperately as he tried to control them. How had he managed to fuck up the first real friendship someone dare offer him? It was just like him to take advantage of Tanuma's kindness by thinking these insatiable, burning thoughts of wanting something that seemed to blur the boundaries of friendship. </p><p><em>Get it together, Natsume.</em> He thought to himself scathingly.</p><p>Refocusing his gaze on the shadowy youkai, he watched as it stared at the window in front of it, mallet slung at its side. It was at that moment, it turned its head towards the two of them letting out a distorted, garbled cry.</p><p>Shaking with nerves, Natsume yelled and heard Tanuma cry out next to him in surprise.</p><p>
  <em>Wait.</em>
</p><p>"You can see it?!" He asked quickly, head whipping around to look at Tanuma.</p><p>Just as Tanuma explained that the youkai had given him her eyes to see other youkai, he saw Tanuma's now silver, slit pupil eyes glimmer in the moonlight. A chill shot through his body.</p><p>
  <em>Tanuma can see what I see.</em>
</p><p>He didn't have much time to think about it though as the youkai ran towards them, its gangly limbs flailing as it swung its long hammer. Desperately trying to dodge it, Natsume couldn't even spend time worrying about Tanuma. His heart was pounding, his hearing filled with just the rush of his own blood pumping through his body. Everything felt like it was underwater. He felt his back hit the ground with a thud that rattled through his body and nearly knocked the wind of him as his lungs ached.</p><p>"Natsume!"</p><p>Natsume felt his stomach clench and blood turn to ice as Tanuma called out his name. His mind screamed at Tanuma to be anywhere else, to just leave him and let this world that he couldn't let go of consume him.</p><p>In sheer horror, instead he watched as Tanuma stopped the mallet from completely obliterating Natsume and watched as the youkai possessing him took over his body.</p><p>"That mirror is mine!"</p><p>His eyes widened, body frozen in place as he watched her gather in energy to concentrate it into an incredibly powerful orb of energy. The air around became electric, the hair on his arms and head lifting up from the static, his ears filled with a vibrating hum. Squinting his eyes, unable to breath, Natsume watched as she released the orb of energy into a ray of blinding, blue light. The youkai that had been terrorizing them completely dissolved midair, turning into a palm-sized ball that thudded against the floor and sprung out of the house in escape. Natsume hardly watched the youkai disappear to then see Tanuma return to his original form and he was-</p><p>"T-Tanuma! Are you okay? Tanuma!"</p><p>Reaching out, he managed to catch his friend just moments before he would have hit the floor. The sensation of his holding Tanuma created a different sort of shock through his system. Instead of the air being filled with static or having adrenaline rushing through his body in terror, this feeling was warm and magnetic, but nonetheless terrifying in its own way. There was something that frightened him about the difference between what he had imagined holding Tanuma would feel like versus the sheer electrifying exhilaration of how it truly felt to have the weight and warmth of his body in his hands. All of the times he hadn't been able to force the thoughts away of what it would be like didn't prepare him for the way his skin seemed to vibrate upon making contact.</p><p>When his eyes opened, he saw the youkai's silver ones staring back at him. While his face was still hot from embarrassment, his felt fear and anger overwhelm him. He truly couldn't bear the idea of Tanuma seeing the world as he did, especially under the pretenses of possession of all things. While Natsume had come to create his own relationship with the world of youkai, he never wanted Tanuma to experience the terror he did as a child when first becoming accustomed to it. He barely had the words himself to describe the devastation of knowing you could never tell someone else what you had seen or experience without risking your entire relationship with them. And for this youkai to simply <em>using</em> Tanuma like a puppet made him clench his jaw until it hurt.</p><p>"Enough of this!"</p><p>The words nearly stung his tongue with how sharply they were delivered. </p><p>"Don't make him see the youkai anymore! I know that you saved me, but don't make him do that," Natsume pleaded.</p><p><em>You don't understand,</em> he wanted to say to her. He hated the part of himself that wanted to experience this world with Tanuma, just between the two of them and their shared understanding. But he also knew that now Tanuma could see what he could, he would start to see more of Natsume as well. The parts of himself that he had used the youkai to keep secret. The times that he caught himself staring at Tanuma, losing his train of thought, trying to not reveal his complete disinterest in girls—while he was sure that some of his friends thought he was simply weird, or maybe even figured it out already, he had let Tanuma think it was because of his thoughts being preoccupied by traversing between these two worlds. The issue with Tanuma seeing youkai, meant he could also see him in a way that Natsume was not sure he was prepared for.</p><p>"You have a friend that you want to save, right? And this mirror will cure them of their illness, right?"</p><p>"Tanuma is my friend!" He felt his voice cracking, wondering how much longer that would be the case after this.</p><p>"Would you possess me instead?" He offered, pleading with the youkai to just stop involving his friend any further in this—he didn't deserve it. Natsume knew he could handle the happenings of these worlds colliding, but he desperately wanted to leave Tanuma out of it and cling to what were certainly the last moments of their friendship as he had known it.</p><p>"He wanted to see the youkai. He asked for me to lend him my eyes," the youkai said quite plainly.</p><p>
  <em>No. No. No.</em>
</p><p>His mind screamed, but nothing could make it out of his mouth. He didn't understand- what was happening?</p><p>"You never talk about it," she continued. "He's right beside you and he doesn't know what is going on, because you don't talk about it."</p><p>She sighed, looking past him with sorrowful eyes. "My friend never told me about his illness. I have a mirror that can cure him! And now, now.. it might be-"</p><p>Natsume watched as she began to cry, covering her eyes with her hands as she turned away from him.</p><p>"I just have to find him!"</p><p>"What is going on here?!" Natsume turned suddenly as Nyanko-sensei finally arrived like he always did just after the situation had resolved itself.</p><p>"Natsume?" he heard Tanuma call out softly, the traces of the youkai having disappeared.</p><p>"Tanuma," he replied, relieved to see that Tanuma was okay. His mind was in a completely different place, not knowing what to think of what the youkai had just revealed to him. Tanuma wanting to see the youkai? Going so far as to request one possessing his body to lend him her eyes? Why, though? Natsume was struggling to put the pieces together.</p><p>"Geez, you really have a way of finding trouble, Natsume," Nyanko-sensei chided as he surveyed the scene. "I can't believe I woke up for this, I'm going back to bed."</p><p>Natsume sighed, feeling how the adrenaline was leaving him with his mind buzzing while his body felt heavy and sluggish. He moved to a crouch, ready to follow his cat companion but glanced at Tanuma to see how he was faring. He was surprised to find that Tanuma looked deep in thought, like he was figuring something out, but upon catching his gaze he began to follow suit in slowly making his way up.</p><p>"Do you need help, Tanuma?" He asked, offering his hand for support.</p><p>"I'm okay," he replied, taking a second to brush off his clothes before holding his head, clearly still a bit out of it. Natsume watched as Tanuma tried to take a few steps forward, only to wobble uncertainly. Understandably, his body wasn't quite used to using abilities that are reserved for youkai.</p><p>"Here," Natsume offered, a bit more insistent in his tone. He reached out to take Tanuma's hand from his head to sling around his shoulders. Pretending it didn't make his insides just as jittery as Tanuma trying to walk, he tried to confidently wrap his arm around Tanuma's lower back to stabilize him. God, he wanted to slam his head against a wall. He felt so out of control of his thoughts and now even his body was betraying him as he felt his face flush at the contact between them. He had just almost been gravely injured, if not killed, and watched his friend's body be taken over by a youkai and all he could think of was never wanting to let go and trying to imprint this sensation on his memory.</p><p>"Thanks," Tanuma finally replied, his tone soft and even a bit shy. Natsume turned to look at his friend, trying to get a read on how he was feeling only to see that Tanuma's face was flushed.</p><p>"You feel okay?" Natsume asked, surprised to feel Tanuma jolt at the question. He knew that Tanuma was quite susceptible to falling ill, just in general, but this was especially heightened when exposed to youkai for a long period of time.</p><p>"Uh- yes. Yes, I'm fine," Tanuma said a bit hurriedly, glancing away from Natsume and his face seeming to glow even more hotly. He didn't understand what was going on. Was Tanuma just sick and hiding it from him?</p><p>"Are you sure?" Natsume pressed, much like Tanuma did with him when he was refusing to give a straight answer. "I don't want you hiding if you're sick from me."</p><p>"Yes, Natsume, I promise, I'm just tired."</p><p>At least this time, Tanuma met his gaze, his eyes softening a bit and looking less like a frightened animal. But suddenly Natsume's stomach dropped, realizing that it was probably more likely that Tanuma wanted literally nothing to do with him and now Natsume had forced him into this embrace- until Tanuma leaned into him as they began walking towards their currently shared room.</p><p>This time it was Natsume that felt a bit warmer than was comfortable, trying not to completely lose himself in the feeling of Tanuma against him and especially trying to avoid the feelings of fear and grief that this couldn't continue on like this. Not when it kept putting Tanuma in danger.</p><p>
  <em>"He wanted to see the youkai. He asked for me to lend him my eyes."</em>
</p><p>The youkai's words echoed in his mind, creating a catch in his thoughts. What did this mean? No, Tanuma didn't know what he was getting himself into. This wasn't just something you could turn on and off, this was an entirely different way of existing. One that, once you were in it, you could never turn back from. It would completely change the way he interacted with people, how others saw him, how he moved through the world. No, he knew that Tanuma could go on to live a normal, loving, happy life, not one filled with trying to navigate the complexities between these two worlds. As much as he wanted to bring Tanuma with him into it, even as much as he wanted Tanuma to know ... he just couldn't bring him into it without feeling a deep sense of selfishness.</p><p>
  <em>He will leave.</em>
</p><p>And he needed to make it easy for Tanuma to run away when he finally did.</p><p>When they finally returned to their presently shared room, Natsume helped Tanuma towards the bed.</p><p>"Thanks, Natsume," Tanuma shared, clearly a little bit embarrassed by the whole ordeal and Natsume still wasn't really sure what to make of this entire evening.</p><p>"Tanuma-"</p><p>He felt the words escape from his mouth without even thinking, but his fears were already speaking for him, the adrenaline taking root in the pit of his stomach once more.</p><p>"Don't ask to see the youkai anymore. I know you want to help, but-"</p><p>Natsume looked away, feeling his heart in the back of his throat.</p><p>"Just don't ask for that anymore."</p><p>When he slowly turned to look at Tanuma once more, he was frightened to see his eyes darkened and brow knitted together. The slight quiver of his lips and jaw told Natsume that there were a thousand things he was wanting to say, but ever kind to Natsume, he was clearly trying to find the one that wouldn't make those walls around him push Tanuma out. He hated himself. That his friend couldn't share his thoughts, but also that he had no idea how to stop that from happening. That lump was back in his throat, burning and stinging with emotions Natsume couldn't fully articulate.</p><p>"You don't have to live this life alone, Natsume," Tanuma's anger had seemed to deflate into exasperation paired with the exhaustion of the night.</p><p>Natsume continued to look at him steely-eyed, not quite sure how to interpret Tanuma's comment. He let the silence extend itself, wondering who would break it first.</p><p>Tanuma sighed. "Have you ever considered that I <em>want</em> to be a part of your life? Because <em>I</em> want that, not because you're making me?"</p><p>"I just don't want anything to happen to you," Natsume hoarsely whispered, voice thick with emotion.</p><p>Tanuma paused, seeming to decide whether it was worth saying something on impulse before closing his eyes and sighing again, "I don't want anything to happen to you either, Natsume."</p><p>There was a pause and Tanuma met his gaze, his eyes softer, pleading even compared to how they looked like smoldering coals before.</p><p>"Maybe it's worth figuring out when you're protecting me..." his voice became nearly a whisper. "Or when you're trying to protect yourself."</p><p>Natsume felt his jaw clench, like there was a conversation happening between them that he wasn't aware of. It only made him more panicked to see the way Tanuma's eyes had cooled off entirely, now looking sad, disappointed even, like Natsume was being asked a question that hadn't been said out loud.</p><p>"Tanuma..."</p><p>He let his friend's name hang in the air, not sure how to follow up. What was he supposed to say? Just spill his feelings about how he didn't want to let Tanuma go, which is why he subconsciously begged him to leave so it would hurt less when it happened? Before he became too attached? That just catching him when falling was enough to fry his brain for the next week replaying that scene over and over again? That it was his wildest dream to have a friend like Tanuma by his side to help him sort through his thoughts and emotions, but that was an impossibility he forbid himself from thinking about? That every time he heard his relatives talk about Reiko, he felt a sense of desperation and grief, wondering if things could truly be different from him? That he couldn't stop thinking about the closeness between them while also feeling like it would tear him to pieces?</p><p>He wanted to scream as he saw the sadness that flooded Tanuma's eyes as he turned away murmuring, "I'm tired, Natsume. Go to sleep."</p><p>The stillness of the room was painful as he felt his mind going ninety miles an hour, feeling fractured between the conflicting chaos within himself and the quietness of the night. He felt like he was on auto-pilot as he turned towards his bed, only to see Nyanko-sensei's eyes gleaming back at him in the darkness.</p><p>Settling into bed, his insides writhing with emotions he wasn't even sure he had the name for, he felt Nyanko-sensei press up against his side. As his mind faded into a restless sleep, the many questions of the night echoed in his mind.</p><p>
  <em>What did Tanuma mean? Why did he want to see his world? What were these feelings he was having?</em>
</p><p>They would assemble the mirror the next day and this could all just go away.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Having rolled over, Tanuma tried to let out as quiet of a sigh as possible.</p><p>Jesus.</p><p>Tanuma was frankly impressed that the splitting headache he now had couldn't be fully blamed on the youkai inhabiting his body nor what seemed to be some kind of hyperbeam that he released from his body—nope, Natsume managed once again to make slamming his head into a wall sound like more of a relief than the present situation.</p><p>Hilariously, that's exactly what he was doing. Just constantly slamming himself against the walls Natsume had put up for himself. While sometimes it filled Tanuma with this twisting and wobbling feeling that bordered on delight to take the time to deftly navigate the maze his friend had set up around himself emotionally, was it really too much to ask to have just a few direct, straightforward interactions that didn't feel like a minefield to walkthrough. He felt like a youkai trying to make it's way out of Taki's house: invisible forcefields and hidden passageways, all expertly placed but without the creator of them really knowing what they were doing.</p><p>The thing he wasn't able to piece apart was the terror he saw in Natsume's eyes when he found out that they were, finally, inhabitating the same world. Finally seeing from the same perspective.</p><p><em>Or are we?</em> Tanuma sighed to himself.</p><p>Just his luck that the very thing he thought would bring them closer would only drive them further apart. The mirthfulness he had been feeling dissolved into something more gripping, more bitter as he felt a lump in its throat constrict and his breath catch.</p><p>
  <em>What do you want from me, Natsume?</em>
</p><p>The possible answer made Tanuma grip at his sheets tightly, desperately trying to keep his breathe quiet and even instead of how choked it felt as a sob began to grow in in the center of his chest. He knew that the answer could be that Natsume truly wanted nothing from him, because he was entirely, utterly, and completely useless.</p><p>That's why Natsume was staying with him right now, out of sheer guilt. If something were to happen on his watch, Tanuma supposes it would confirm everything other people had said to him about seeing youkai. The cost was that even when Natsume seemed concerned about Tanuma, he wasn't fully convinced. There always seemed to be a piece that was more about Natsume shielding him from his own humanness and ability to make mistakes rather than actually being present, involved, willing to fuck up if that meant being open and honest.</p><p>
  <em>Maybe it's worth figuring out when you're protecting me... or when you're trying to protect yourself.</em>
</p><p>He shut his eyes so tightly they ached. He had really said that to Natsume. While his friend was avoidant, he wasn't heartless. But Tanuma would be lying if he said the way Natsume let his name just hang in the air didn't sting.</p><p>What did he want from Natsume?</p><p>Feeling his lower lip tremble, Tanuma quickly found that the answer frightened him even more than contemplating his own uselessness.</p><p>
  <em>I just want to be a part of your world.</em>
</p><p>
  <b>He does care about you.</b>
</p><p>Tanuma held back a gasp, eyes widening as his body flooded with adrenaline before- <em>oh right.</em> With a sigh, he cleared his head enough from all the thoughts and emotions swirling within to remember that there was a youkai in his head that could talk to him.</p><p>
  <em>Oh fuck. Wait- shit shit- damnit.</em>
</p><p>He felt like an idiot literally trying to turn his brain off. Could people just not think? Fuck, thinking about that was thinking. Tanuma felt himself actually begin to sweat over how humiliated he was at this youkai hearing all of this panic only to be followed by listening him try to stop himself from thinking. What a truly miserable day.</p><p><b>I felt the same way when I found out about my friend's illness,</b> she continued, clearly with some exasperation—probably both at herself for continuing to talk to him and also at his spiraling thoughts.</p><p>
  <b>Why do you think I went searching for the mirror?</b>
</p><p><em>But you can go help your friend, we will get your mirror and you can cure them,</em> Tanuma replied curiously, not quite understanding the connection. She was such a devoted friend that she went and found exactly what they needed, whereas here he was, just completely clueless as to what Natsume was needing. Meanwhile, every time he thought he'd done something to help Natsume or make him feel better, it seemed to completely backfire on him—asking to see youkai, however temporarily, being the case in point here.</p><p><b>That raccoon cat is right, you are both idiots, I can't wait for us to finish putting the mirror together,</b> the youkai sighed. <b>My friend didn't want help. They sent me away, not even telling me about their illness. I felt completely useless, I had no idea what I had done wrong. But just like you had said to your friend, I realized they were trying to protect themselves under the guise of protecting me, they wanted to control the situation. </b></p><p>
  <b>They're just as much of an idiot as your friend, but it was their way of showing they cared about me—they didn't want me getting sick or burdening me. Seeing your friend yell at me for letting you see youkai and offering his body in exchange of letting you go, while stupid, he clearly cares about you, too.</b>
</p><p>Tanuma just laid there in silence for a moment. It didn't shock him that Natsume cared about him, necessarily, they were friends. Natsume was loyal to a fault. Frankly, he could imagine Natsume still sticking up for him even if he didn't like Tanuma out of principle alone—that's what made this so difficult to sort through sometimes.</p><p><em>I'm sorry he yelled at you,</em> Tanuma offered weakly, mentally sighing. <em>I just don't know what to do for him. Everything I do seems to be the opposite of what he wants. You at least have- er- had the mirror for your friend.</em></p><p>Being therapized by a youkai was certainly something he never thought he'd experience, but given this was the third or fourth experience of that level just in the past 24 hours, he was beyond resigned to it. Plus, this seemed like one of those fleeting conversations you have with random people just at night when neither party can sleep.</p><p><em>What's Natsume's mirror?</em> he thought to himself, mind beginning to wander back into that territory he had become painfully familiar of, once again, trying to figure out what Natsume could possibly want or need, especially when he made himself so painfully independent that any kind of offering was apparently an affront to his whole understanding of the world.</p><p><b>You are,</b> the youkai offered a bit mirthfully. Tanuma was actually startled by her response, he hadn't realized he had thought that out loud, so to speak. <b>The real question is what are you going to do about <em>your</em> feelings?</b></p><p>
  <em>My feelings?</em>
</p><p><b>Yes, I'm sharing your mind, how do you- I don't understand how that weird raccoon cat tolerates you two. That's enough talking to humans for me tonight,</b> she sighed, exasperated as she seemed to recede away from his consciousness.</p><p>
  <em>My feelings?</em>
</p><p>As much as his thoughts and emotions felt like an endless whirlpool pulling him in, sheer exhaustion overpowered him and only took him down into a deep, dreamless slumber.</p><p> </p><p>—————</p><p>The events of the day before came flooding back as Tanuma blinked his eyes open, mostly because the roaring ache of his body was the first voice to bid him good morning.</p><p>Letting out a soft groan, he ran a hand through his hair and pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead, trying to collect himself to be able to face the day after feeling like he'd been hit by a car.</p><p>Upon finally making his way up, he saw that Natsume had completely collected himself already. A piece of him felt like it twisted inside of his stomach, leaving him feeling cold and despondent. It was really too much for Natsume to even let his guard down first thing in the morning? There was ever so fleetingly, the thought of wishing he could have seen the soft, sleepiness of Natsume like he had seen him before having to confront the youkai from last night. There was a fragile tenderness to it, like you could blink and it would be gone, but thinking of what that could've been like, to know that that they were able to share that even for just the few moments of getting ready before school... well, it only made him ache and just frankly feel like shit, even more than he already felt like that, before the day had truly started.</p><p><em>Let's just get this over with...</em> Tanuma sighed to himself. Maybe they could put the mirror together and Natusme wouldn't be so freaked out by his temporary ability to access his world.</p><p>When he wandered out of his room, finally dressed and essentially put together, he found Natsume in the kitchen.</p><p>"Morning, Tanuma," Natsume nodded to him, a bit formally.</p><p>Tanuma simply hummed a response.</p><p>
  <em>What are you going to do about your feelings?</em>
</p><p>Tch. His feelings? What, of being pissed off and not believing that somehow, in this whole debacle Natsume had once again made navigating an already difficult situation into a minefield. The truly dizzying thing that Tanuma was trying to simply suppress at this point is how <em>he</em> was the one that was possessed, but how all of his concern was once again completely focused on Natsume. When was he willing to accept that clearly, as much effort as he poured into it, he just couldn't seem to be enough for Natsume?</p><p>Their walk was uneventful and mostly quiet. Usually the silence between them was warm, its own form of communication, active space created where just each other's presence was enough. But today, the mundane chit chat that even Natsume seemed to try to keep up only made him feel like he was absolutely and completely losing his mind. On one hand, he did suppose that recovering from a youaki attacking him and then having to go to school the next day <em>was</em> more common than Tanuma even liked to imagine. Okay, maybe that could offer <em>some</em> explained, he hedged. But, it certainly didn't mean it was normal, acceptable, much less healthy!</p><p>Maybe even beyond having to fend off a youkai that had broken into his house and tried to kill both of them, was that Natsume seemed to have completely brushed off what he thought were the rather compelling questions he had thrown his way—yes, from a place of irritated exhaustion, but it didn't mean they were any less valid. Was he really that disposable? That Natsume could just wake up and carry on like nothing had happened when he had almost cried himself to sleep?</p><p>They finally arrived at school and, thank god, ran into Taki. He was beginning to feel like a shaken soda can and couldn't trust himself to not start fizzing over and letting some of the imagined retorts that relentlessly appeared in his mind.</p><p>This process itself was familiar. Being upset with Natsume, then reflecting on what he knew about his friend and gaining some perspective, and then seeing him again to realize that he hadn't meant it the way he'd taken it. But this felt different. He had actually said something this time. He had called out Natsume's habits rather than letting it play out like he usually did. Was it really just that he had been tired and that's why he pushed?</p><p>In class, he could barely pay attention to class. He knew his body was there and even noticed himself taking notes or making it look like he was listening, but his mind was in a completely different place. It was like his head was filled with every thought imaginable and completely empty all at once—it was like the sensation of trying to remember a word that was on the tip of your tongue. What was he trying to place though?</p><p>"Tanuma!"</p><p>Jolting back into the world, he found Natsume and Taki standing by his desk. That's right, the mirror.</p><p>"Uh sorry, a bit tired, I guess," he offered, smiling apologetically.</p><p>Getting up and gathering his items to follow his friends, he caught just a glimpse of Natsume's furrowed brow and lips pressed hard into a thin line.</p><p>—————</p><p>
  <em>Shiny, shiny, shiny....</em>
</p><p>With a headache behind his eyes at this point from looking at and into everything that had some kind of reflection, Tanuma was a bit more than over this search. It would be hard enough to find the pieces of just a normal, human mirror, much less one that only Natsume could see and had been scattered throughout the entire region.</p><p>Honestly, he was still trying to block out in his mind how little of the mirror they had had when they saw it last, instead purposefully constructing some blissful naïveté around having nearly all the pieces.</p><p>Tanuma just wanted to go home. He hadn't had time to process or unpack anything, and just zoning out in a classroom didn't really serve as a good substitute for letting his mind work itself out in silence by himself.</p><p>"Nyanko-sensei!" Natsume's voice carried over from where he had been searching and Tanuma turned to see the cat creature with an impressively smug look on his face.</p><p>"You are all useless!" Tanuma heard him gleefully announce. "This has taken enough of my time."</p><p>"You finished it!"</p><p>He started walking over, seeing Taki and Natsume standing and staring wide-eyed at the triumphant cat creature holding what he presumed to be the fully complete mirror in his paw. Thank god this was going to be over, Tanuma was ready to sleep off these past few days and get his head on straight.</p><p>"Look out!"</p><p>Wheeling around, Tanuma couldn't see anything but Natsume suddenly bracing for action, his stance set low and ready to spring forward.</p><p>
  <b>Remember what I said. You're his mirror.</b>
</p><p>
  <em>Wait! Wha- what was going on?!</em>
</p><p>Tanuma cried out as he felt a bizarre sensation rush through his body, he felt like a snake shedding its skin. He was also left feeling incredibly lighter. Was tha- did she leave his body? Looking down at his hands and back up, he looked to Natsume, finding him with a changed expression. His formerly fearful and, he daresay, aggressive expression had softened into what looked like awe and relief.</p><p>Well... now what? Tanuma looked around for a moment, seeing Natsume clearly listening intently to someone, but he couldn't hear or see them. Did Natsume ever realize that Tanuma and Taki always looked like complete idiots to everyone else during these moments? Where he was sure Natsume was having some kind of meaningful, connective experience with the youkai, meanwhile he was just hanging out looking into empty air. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, Tanuma started to rock back and forth on his feet slightly, guessing it would be more polite to wait until Natsume's conversation was over rather than leaving in the middle of it. </p><p>While he was waiting, he couldn't help but glance over at his friend who was clearly absorbed in this conversation he was having. Similarly, he couldn't help but notice how his friend's eyes looked like molten copper when he was caught in the afternoon sun like this. The light captured both the softness and undying tenacity that his friend held inside of him. It was such a different expression than that cold indifference or fearfulness he had seen more of over the past day, and while he wishes that face had been directed at him, he was still happy to see such openness on his face regardless.</p><p>Suddenly, a gust of wind engulfed them all and he followed Natsume's gaze toward where he imagined the youkai had gone.</p><p>
  <em>Remember what I said. You're his mirror.</em>
</p><p>Geez, he really did need a nap. Believe it or not, being possessed was an exhausting full-time job and Tanuma felt like between just the physical and spiritual toll of that, his feelings about everything over the past little while were all in knots. He was going to need some time to untangle them.</p><p>He let out a soft sigh. She had said their situations were parallel, but Tanuma wasn't fully convinced. Hers seemed straightforward, easy—she had gone and gotten the mirror and now just needed to find him again.</p><p>
  <em> I felt completely useless, I had no idea what I had done wrong. But just like you had said to your friend, I realized they were trying to protect themselves under the guise of protecting me...</em>
</p><p>Okay, maybe she did have him there at least. But what was his mirror? What did he bring that could repair- well, what was he even supposed to repair? Especially when Natsume would just go on and pretend like everything was the same, was he just creating a problem?</p><p>Sigh. Turning back to the group, he offered a soft, if half-hearted smile. Taki seemed pleased as ever whenever they accomplished this kind of task and it was nice for Tanuma to see some genuine emotion from his friend. Especially given that when he briefly made eye contact with Natsume, he could tell he was doing that thing he always does. It's this specific facial expression where he can tell he's trying to make it seem like everything is totally cool, but actually on the inside he's panicking. Tanuma had seen it too many times in his friendship with Natsume—actually the first time he saw it was when he had had his conversation with Natsume on that bridge when they were first becoming friends. And to think, he felt just as useless and confused then as he did now, only to be greeted by the same expression. Something was going to have to change, otherwise something else was eventually going to give.</p><p>–—————</p><p>Tanuma enjoyed the walk home in silence, having departed from Natsume and Taki. It felt good to clear his head, especially having had an extra consicousness in there over the course of the past few weeks, even if he'd only known about it the past few days.</p><p>Eating dinner, he sat looking out towards where he knew the youkai pond to be, imagining what the flickering shadows he saw would look like translated into water.</p><p>Tch. It's a shame he didn't use the ability to seek youkai to see what the pond looked like. That would have been a better use of those powers that getting wrapped up in everything else.</p><p>After eating, he still felt a knot in his stomach that he had felt all day. Sigh, trying to avoid the conversation he felt going on in the background of his mind didn't seem possible today.</p><p>Leaning against the wooden frame of the door, he ran a hand through his hair. He thought he would feel completely settled and at peace after this whole mirror situation was resolved, but now here he was, his stomach turning in knots, more anxious than ever.</p><p>Tanuma already was regretting the thought process he felt coming on, almost letting out a groan of frustration. He could think through this logically, or at least that's what he was telling himself. What were the facts at hand for this situation?</p><p>He was not feeling great right now. Good start, maybe he could be more specific. He was feeling very anxious and confused, his stomach twisting and his head feeling staticky. It only made sense that this feeling was probably brought on by feeling like the conversation between him and Natsume was unresolved.</p><p>Rubbing his face, Tanuma recounted what he had said to Natsume. Quite honestly, some of what he said- well, maybe just his delivery had been spurred on by the deep exhaustion and adrenaline come down he'd been feeling.</p><p>His mind began wandering, thoughts loose and just a web of associations as he let some of the fatigue take over his mind. Maybe his mind could work on these feelings on his own. As if on cue, he couldn't help but feel his thoughts be drawn back to Natsume. Seeing him scared and fierce in the dark after they'd defeated that youkai the first round. Natsume came off as soft, timid, and standoffish to people who didn't know him, but it felt like a secret getting to see that spark that lives inside of him. Part of him didn't mind how protective Natsume was towards him, but he couldn't help but get in the way of himself too often in wanting to prove that he was useful.</p><p>Especially because otherwise... well, Tanuma was afraid of being left behind. If he just let Natsume take the lead- well, shit, he'd already been kind of doing that and look at where they were now. Of course, this was one of the few times he had tried to take the initiative and now Natsume was dodging him. But he knew that if he just kept letting Natsume make decisions for him, there was the risk that one day he would be gone without a word—and all because Natsume would think it would be best for him, Tanuma nearly rolled his eyes thinking about it now.</p><p>
  <em>Does it ever get tiring to be everyone's savior, Natsume?</em>
</p><p>It pissed him off that Natsume wasn't more selfish sometimes- scratch that. Natsume was selfish. He was selfish in that way where by asking for nothing, you end up asking for everything.</p><p>God, Tanuma was feeling that weird fire in the pit of his stomach again, unable to help the errant thought of, <em>Why can't you just ask for me?</em> slip through his mind. Resisting the urge to simply beat his head against a wall in the desperate hope that a concussion would be a better way out than the path ahead, Tanuma lingered on thinking of the idea of never getting to see Natsume again or not sharing the friendship they had. It made him feel like he was on fire with incredible agony and anguish. He couldn't even begin to name the litany of things he would be willing to give up for that not to happen.</p><p>All he wanted was to be able to see Natsume in those moments where he was what seemed to be truly himself. Sure, he was still quiet in those moments, but it seemed to be more out of comfort rather than a fear of sharing something. Tanuma couldn't help but feel warm at the idea of seeing Natsume's eyes soften when he seemed to be more comfortable, like the walls really did come down even if for a second. To see his laugh and smile that actually seemed to come naturally rather than the times he knew he was just going along with everyone else and mirroring them. Tanuma couldn't help but feel a small smirk tug at his lips as he thought of Natsume's messy hair, how sometimes when he was looking particularly distraught—especially when he'd been out dealing with youkai again—he couldn't help but imagine pushing it out of his face and combing his fingers-</p><p>
  <em>Oh fuck.</em>
</p><p>Sitting up stiffly, the warmth that had built up into his body suddenly distilled itself into a frightening chill.</p><p>
  <em>What are you going to do about your feelings?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You sure pay attention to Natsume a lot!</em>
</p><p>Even Ponta's glaring, seemingly all-knowing eyes cut through his consciousness at this moment.</p><p>Tanuma let himself collapse with his back to the floor, now staring up at the ceiling as his heart hammered in his chest, an incredible nervousness taking root in his body. Because... what were these feelings exactly? Not even wanting to think it to himself, he'd admit he had never really experienced these feelings before and it made them difficult to sort through.</p><p>Was it that weird to just want to be part of someone's life though, really? Tanuma closed his eyes. All he was wanting was to not constantly feel like Natsume was water running through his hands. That he knew Natsume would come to <em>him</em> when things were tough rather than running away and hiding it from everyone. Maybe even that Tanuma could come to him more easily when things were tough, granted he had significantly less day-to-day issues compared to his friend.</p><p>And just as quickly, he felt his train of thoughts begin to slide back to where it was before. Thinking about Natsume's laugh and smile, how Tanuma felt like he was having more fun when he knew Natsume was too. How sometimes he couldn't help but let his gaze lower to look at his friend's lips or his hands when they were talking or seated next to one another, a thought in the back of his mind always just wondering what would happen if he were to breach that small space that felt like a chasm between them?</p><p>Tanuma pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, guilt panging in his stomach. Was it normal to think of your friend like this? Maybe there were just ... really close?</p><p>God, he knew exactly how ridiculous and weak that sounded, but he was much too tired to figure that all out today. But it was clear he needed to reach out to Natsume, maybe he would just apologize? For what, Tanuma hadn't a clue, but he figured Natsume would probably just take mercy on him and try to mend things out of his own apparent fear of conflict. Hilarious, really, given his friend's proclivity for seemingly involving himself in the center of every youkai-related conflict, yet he knew he'd pale like a ghost if Tanuma were to press the things he brought up last night.</p><p>Tomorrow it was then. He would extend the olive branch... again, and then he could figure out the rest of whatever <em>this</em> was and get his thoughts together.</p><p>Upon making this deal with himself, Tanuma felt the tide of exhaustion completely fall over him as he fell asleep just where he was.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for your patience, a lil angst for y'all! Good news is we are just a few chapters away from wrapping up, but not before they sort out some of their issues lol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Watching Tanuma fade into the distance as they each went their separate ways, Natsume felt a wave of heaviness fall over him. Certainly, it could be in part credited to the events of the past few days, but he knew there was more to this weight. He'd been getting tangled up in the world of youkai for some time now and nothing made him feel like he was drowning quite like this.</p>
<p>Seeing the yokai reunited with her mirror and knowing there was hope she could find her friend to heal him had filled him with warmth, but it also left something twisting inside of him. The mirror had been fixed, the youkai removed from Tanuma's body, and now... now it was time to create some distance between them. </p>
<p>It was the right thing to do. He couldn't risk Tanuma getting hurt again and in the world of youkai the possibilities for that happening was simply too abundant. Natsume couldn't live to see Tanuma possessed again, but by a less friendly youkai and having his friend's body turned against him. Then the possibility of physical harm was another matter completely. He just couldn't</p>
<p>It was the right thing to do. He couldn't risk Tanuma getting hurt again and when it came to youkai, there were simply too many possibilities. Natsume couldn't live to see Tanuma possessed again but by a less friendly youkai. His stomach tightened at the idea of having his friend's body turned against him, much less Tanuma suffering any kind of physical harm.</p>
<p>
  <i>I couldn't hurt you.</i>
</p>
<p>Natsume cringed, realizing that no matter the path ahead, pain seemed inevitable.</p>
<p>"I'm home!" Natsume called out as he entered his home, sliding his shoes off, and beginning to move through the motions of the evening. He couldn't focus on the stories the Fujiwaras were sharing or the food that Nyanko-sensei happily hummed over. He could feel his mind bargaining with itself again. It always proved to be a dangerous prospect—especially when it came to Tanuma. The increasingly urgent tug of his own thoughts made him feel like his stomach was filled with sparklers about to be set off, sparking with the anxiety of possibility that somehow, some way there could be a happy ending.</p>
<p>Feeling his face grow hot broke him out of his thoughts to see Touko-san giving him a look of concern.</p>
<p>"Takashi-kun," she questioned. "Are you feeling alright?"</p>
<p>"Uh- yes, long day," Natsume quickly offered, rubbing the back of his neck, the flush of embarrassment on his face making its way to heat the skin under his fingers.</p>
<p>——————————</p>
<p>Laying on his back, he gazed at the ceiling in the twilight between it either being very late to fall asleep or incredibly early to wake up, the days crossing over into one another and minutes stretching into a hollow darkness.</p>
<p>He couldn't turn off his mind that was desperately trying to figure out how to keep Tanuma close like a snake working to swallow an egg. Every reason he tried to provide his own mind fell flat compared to the all-consuming terror that spread throughout his body at the idea of Tanuma ending up hurt because of him—physically or otherwise. Besides, he knew how Tanuma was. His friend was stubborn, which was part of the reason they were such steadfast friends. Honestly, Natsume found it admirable and seeing Tanuma fight so hard to get closer to him, it made his stomach swoop.</p>
<p>That was another thing, what would he do without feeling this weird nervousness that crinkled in his stomach whenever he thought about Tanuma for too long? It was the oddest sensation, like his body was a live wire—not in an unpleasant way, but like he could stay awake for days off of the giddiness that churned in his stomach. While it was sometimes overwhelming, he was always left feeling warm and weightless in its wake. He had sometimes wondered if Nyanko-sensei's consumption of sake was because it made him feel this way. If it did, maybe he could understand his cat sensei indulging so frequently ... to an extent, at least.</p>
<p>Even thinking about Tanuma now left his skin buzzing and head fuzzy. The heat he had felt on his face when eating dinner had returned, but now he could actually let his mind wander. What was it that made him feel like this?</p>
<p>Immediately, the soft gaze of Tanuma was conjured in his mind. The way his friend looked at him was like he was something precious, that deserved treasuring, like every word he shared Tanuma clung onto.</p>
<p>For most of his life, he had felt like a ghost—or maybe a youkai—knowing that he was there with other people nearby, but no one turning his way or paying attention when he spoke. It seemed to be even more intense than just not noticing, but a purposeful turning of a blind eye. There had been a few people who turned to listen, breaking through what seemed to be an invisible barrier that kept him apart from everyone else, but it always seemed to be fleeting and on their own terms. </p>
<p>With Tanuma it was different.</p>
<p>When he spoke, Tanuma would turn and listen. When they walked and Natsume paused, Tanuma seemed to anticipate it before it even happened. Tanuma knew if something was bothering Natsume before he even breathed a word of it, or maybe even confessed it to himself.</p>
<p>It was strange to feel so ... known. Like Tanuma was seeing right through him, or rather, maybe just seeing him in his entirety for the first time. It was odd, being drawn into the world from the near invisibility he seemed to occupy before.</p>
<p>Natsume flipped onto his side, gripping his pillow into a hug, trying to calm his whole being that seemed to vibrate. He felt jealous of Nyanko-sensei who snored peacefully near him.</p>
<p>Magnetic. Maybe that was the word that could describe Tanuma, the draw that he had on Natsume, the way he made him feel off-balance. Part of that draw had left Natsume wondering before what it would be like to finally make contact with the force constantly drawing him in. </p>
<p>Sure, they had bumped and brushed into each other incidentally may times before—and each time felt like flint being struck. It had always startled him, the intensity that a passing touch can create, and that's why he always drew back so quickly. But he was always left wondering what it would be like to feel Tanuma's hand, purposefully without the shock of suddenly making contact. Would he be able to handle it or would the sensation consume him?</p>
<p>Natsume hugged his pillow a bit tighter as his veins chilled and stomach sank knowing that given the path he needed to set himself on, that likely wasn't something he would discover.</p>
<p>He decided that his mind could at least be a place where we could entertain the idea. The panic that descended upon him thawed slightly. </p>
<p>His imagination had been a place where he'd entertained many worlds that he knew could never become reality before. Actually, he smiled softly, there were pieces of it that had come true that he hadn't ever thought were possible. A family that cared about him, wanted to see him home and see him off each day, friends that were concerned when he wasn't able to be found, but this piece was new.</p>
<p>While he may be stupid for hoping, it was impossible to stop himself. He felt his body settle, the rush of tingling coursing through his body swaddling him, and he allowed his mind to wander to thinking about what it would feel like to brush Tanuma's hair from his face or hold him close.</p>
<p>There was the slight edge to this thoughts that prevented him from fully falling all the way in, knowing that he was foolish, that it was ridiculous to think of some caring about him that way. Even moreso, if they did care about him, he knew he would ruin it.</p>
<p>He felt himself settle into his bed, a heaviness washing over him thinking about the impossibility that Tanuma presented him with. But even though the buzz had worn off and his mind was, unfortunately, calibrated to being a bit more realistic, his stomach still tingled and his mind couldn't help but lazily wander back to the idea he held in his mind before like feeling the warmth of holding Tanuma close. What would it be like when he wasn't just catching him during an attack with a youkai? But for it to be purposeful, for him to be able to pay attention, what would Tanuma's smile look like? Would his eyes get soft like they always do?</p>
<p>And like that he drifted off.</p>
<p>————————————</p>
<p>Despite feeling electric last night, no matter how long he brushed his teeth this morning or what he ate for breakfast he couldn't rid himself of a bitter taste in his mouth or the heaviness on his skin.</p>
<p>Walking to school, he made sure to take a lesser travelled route that wouldn't cross paths with Tanuma. His head filled stuffed with cotton as he walked, not fully present with his surroundings, knowing that he just needed to get through a few days of this until Tanuma was the one doing the avoiding.</p>
<p>Upon arriving at school, he offered both Tanuma and Taki a wave as he immediately headed into the classroom, pretending he hadn't caught a glimpse of the clear tension and frustration emanating from Tanuma's gaze. </p>
<p><i>Just a few days of this.</i> </p>
<p>He attempted to reassure himself, trying to ignore the way that Tanuma's gaze had pinned him down and tried to focus on the lesson. It seemed Natsume's mind was just going to roll somersaults around itself for the rest of class though, trying to figure out what he was going to say to Tanuma to make it seem like everything was completely okay while simultaneously creating a bit more space between them—just to the point where Tanuma wouldn't be so invested as he had been.</p>
<p>See, it was all temporary. He just needed to keep this up until that happened. Tanuma didn't need to be kept a world away, simply just at arm's length.</p>
<p>"Natsume."</p>
<p>With a jolt, he looked up only to meet Tanuma's dark, enveloping gaze.</p>
<p>"Tanuma," he replied instinctively before trying to detached his gaze and look elsewhere.</p>
<p>"Come on, class is over."</p>
<p>Tanuma lingered, hands in pant pockets, as Natsume packed his things and followed Tanuma out. This hadn't been part of the script he'd been rehearsing. He thought he would at least be able to make it out of the door with simply a wave in Tanuma's direction, but now they were walking together.</p>
<p>Silence between them during their walk home was certainly not abnormal, but Natsume couldn't help but feel like it prickled against his skin.</p>
<p>Despite the tension that enveloped them, Natsume couldn't help but feel that cursed pull that always made him want to be near Tanuma, to see how he was reacting to a situation, to glance and see if he was deep in thought like he often was. A piece of him wanted nothing more than to just stop walking and tell Tanuma how scared he was. That Tanuma would get hurt, that he would leave, that it would all be Natsume's fault and that Tanuma would never be able to forgive him. </p>
<p>But he also knew that even if Tanuma meant well in saying none of those things were true or that would never happen, he had seen people turn whenever the hypothetical became reality. How many homes had he been in and out of where the first thing they said was they were looking forward to him staying with them and becoming part of their family? That he would be treated like their other children? That their home was his home? But of course, within a days he would find himself walking on eggshells, the place setting for him suddenly vanishing, and his supposed siblings throwing a fit over him simply existing.</p>
<p>That was something he had always appreciated about youkai, he realized. They never pretended to like him just to like him at the beginning, so when they finally did create some kind of bond—however reluctant a youkai was to admit to it, of course—he knew it was sincere. Humans were challenging in that way.</p>
<p>After what felt like an excruciatingly long time, they finally reached the point where their paths diverged. Natsume had this part scripted, he could still act like this was entirely normal. He turned to wave and wish Tanuma well, only to see Tanuma stopped and staring at the ground. It was difficult for him not to feel overwhelmed at all the differences in their interactions he wasn't able to predict, and Natsume felt this fear and frustrating clutch his chest.</p>
<p>"Say Natsume..."</p>
<p>That frustration quickly melted into something softer, but also more frightening as he felt his stomach flip hearing his name, especially said so seriously by Tanuma.</p>
<p>As frightened as he was by what was clearly some developing confrontation, he couldn't help but get stuck looking at how thoughtful and sincere Tanuma's expression was. He desperately wanted to close this space between them and finally allow the draw of Tanuma to pull him in entirely. And then what? The idea frightened him.</p>
<p>Realizing he was simply gaping, completely lost in simply looking at Tanuma, he let out a small sound of a question.</p>
<p>"I uh- I'm sorry," Tanuma finally offered.</p>
<p>"For worrying you."</p>
<p>Natsume sighed, nearly laughing because it was so minor compared to everything he had constructed in his mind.</p>
<p>"It's okay, Tanuma."</p>
<p><i>I know I worry you all the time,</i> was the piece Natsume left unspoken.</p>
<p>What he didn't understand was why Tanuma still looked so tense, like he was making an impossible decision.</p>
<p>"It's not. Because now-" Tanuma turned his head completely, looking away and down at the ground, his hands clutching his bag in front of him like a proverbial shield. "You're doing exactly what I knew you'd do."</p>
<p>He felt his expression become one of confusion and concern. He didn't know how to respond to this. But before he could even attempt to figure it out, Tanuma was speaking again.</p>
<p>"I know you're scared of me getting hurt. But-"</p>
<p>Tanuma lifted his head to look towards Natsume, his voice still firm but becoming more hushed as he continued.</p>
<p>"But maybe I'm okay with getting hurt if... if it means I can..."</p>
<p>"Tanuma..." Natsume interrupted, hearing Tanuma's breathing becoming labored and tight. It felt like an iron fist was clenching at his chest, the emotions tumbling inside of him threatening to burn him alive from the inside out. He just- he just didn't have the time to understand or process this on the spot like this. He didn't understand. He thought Tanuma would have denied the possibility of getting hurt, but now he was accepting it? Why would Tanuma be okay with that? Why would that be worth it for him? He felt ridiculous for interrupting when now he had nothing to say in return.</p>
<p>Apparently the panic was clear in his eyes as Tanuma offered again, "I- I know what you're trying to do and I- please..."</p>
<p>Natsume could only stand there and stupidly blink, his brain trying to put all these pieces together but it felt like all the connections were off and his was just standing there as his brain overheated. So, Tanuma knew that Natsume was trying to put some distance between them. That wasn't all that surprising, he knew he was certainly not the most tactful person, he was often quite obvious actually, and this definitely wasn't the first time he had done something to this effect—this time had just truly demanded it from the circumstances. But what was Tanuma asking for? What did Natsume even have to offer but all the trouble he caused and worry he created for everyone?</p>
<p>"Tanuma... I..." he replied, knowing he had nothing to follow his words as he reached his hand out, for what? To prevent Tanuma from leaving despite him having nothing to say? What were people supposed to say in these situations? He couldn't bring himself to beg for Tanuma to not go anywhere, because all he wanted to do was for him to leave! To go so far away from him, his ability to make life endlessly complicated, to go somewhere where they could actually share the same perspective rather than always feeling like one of them was blind to one part or another of each other's lives. </p>
<p>It made him want to smack himself, knowing that when Tanuma had been able to see his world it was overwhelming, terrifying, and dangerous. And now here they were, separated by the very inability to see through the other person's eyes.</p>
<p>The spark of openness that he had seen in Tanuma's eyes began to fade, replaced with a more closed off expression.</p>
<p>"So, you are trying to push me away?"</p>
<p>Natsume's hand dropped and averted his gaze, hoping that that could be enough of an answer for Tanuma. Thankfully, their often unspoken communication worked in his favor this time as he heard Tanuma sigh.</p>
<p>"This is what I meant, Natsume," he said, voice soft. "You can't keep protecting yourself under the guise of protecting others."</p>
<p>Tanuma's arms crossed in front him as he glanced up at Natsume, seeming to calculate his response based on his reaction. As much as Natsume wanted to know what to say, to even just move his body  or offer <i>something</i> he found himself simply frozen, feeling his throat tighten with panic and emotion.</p>
<p>"I..." he breathed out. If only he was able to simply tell Tanuma about the nights he spent having nightmares about Tanuma being injured, or worse, because of his inability to simply live in the world just concerned with human matters. How he would wake up and swallow the need to cry, feeling the fear and adrenaline coursing through his veins, feeling like it was no longer a matter of "if" but "when." How he would never be able to live with himself for Tanuma being irreparably injured for Tanuma's sake, but the idea of losing Tanuma like that... he just- he just couldn't. </p>
<p>His tongue felt heavy in his mouth, realizing what a stupid and impossible corner he was backed into, pushing Tanuma away because he desperately wanted to be closer to him, but feeling like there was no other option because being close to Tanuma could mean losing him. Granted, this situation seemed to offer that same promise of losing Tanuma either way he went. Could there be another way? Where he could just hold and clutch onto Tanuma without the fear of him slipping through his fingers?</p>
<p>"Natsume..." Tanuma sighed, Natsume unable to ignore the softness and tenderness that Tanuma's voice always paired with his name. But this warmth melted away as the rest of his message cut through Natsume. "Fine. You get what you want this time. I.. I'm tired."</p>
<p>If he hadn't been standing there, eyes wide and flailing to reply, he would've missed the slight glance back that Tanuma gaze, his eyes heavy and sad, before he completely turned his back to Natsume.</p>
<p>Watching Tanuma walk into the distance, Natsume just stood there. How long had their conversation taken? Was it still the same day, even? He felt suspended in time where their exchange was both impossibly fast and slow all at once. But in either speed or direction, Natsume hadn't been able to articulate the things he wished he could share. And now here he was, the decisions he was dwelling on already made for him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He had managed to keep walking to at least be out of Natsume's eyesight when Tanuma clumsily walked off the path and, turning his back to lean against a tree, slid down its trunk to sit on the cool earth. His legs were bent and tucked in towards his body, his arms reaching around to pull his entire being into an embrace and to rest his forehead on his knees.</p>
<p>Well, in some ways he had expected worse.</p>
<p>
  <i>I also expected it to be a little bit better than whatever just happened.</i>
</p>
<p>Granted, this was Natsume that he was thinking of, when had he really ever been one for words? In all fairness, he had put him on the spot, too. It certainly wasn't the <i>best</i> combination Tanuma could have designed.</p>
<p>Groaning, he leaned his head back to thump against the tree trunk behind him. He meant it when he said he was tired.</p>
<p>Emotionally, physically, mentally. He felt like he deserved compensation for how many fucking headaches he was getting over hoping Natsume could form one coherent sentence about his feelings once and awhile.</p>
<p>The image of Natsume's frozen, panicked expression with his arm outreached continued to appear in his mind. It had taken religious amounts of self-control to not reach out and grasp Natsume's hand in his.</p>
<p>Even while the dread had grown in his stomach at Natsume's lack of response, he hadn't been able to ignore the thunderous tempo of his heart. Within the chilled feeling running through his veins at Natsume's inability to say really much of anything, there was the dizzying giddy feeling of still feeling that magnetism between them that sucked him in. Maybe he needed to see a doctor, this couldn't be good for his already questionable constitution. </p>
<p>It was going to be okay. Knowing Natsume, he would be kicking himself over this interaction for the next few days, be in that weird avoidant mood of his, and then do something that was dramatic, self-sacrificing, or anything in between. Tanuma was just going to have to wait it out and give him the cold shoulder for just a bit. </p>
<p>Was he being just as bad as Natsume in using these tactics to get what he wanted? Probably. But what choice was he really left with at this point but to seemingly communicate the only way Natsume knew how—which, ironically, seemed to be silence. </p>
<p>Besides, he would just keep it up for a few days and then give Natsume the chance to respond. It was all temporary.</p>
<p>Pushing himself up, he finished his walk home. </p>
<p>Opening the door to his home, he slipped off his shoes and called out to his father, "I have a headache. I'm going to bed."</p>
<p>After a bit of doting from his father and reassurance that he just needed some sleep, Tanuma drifted off into a heavy, dreamless sleep.</p>
<p>——————</p>
<p>Thank god his headache was no longer present the next morning. After the whole youkai situation, he really didn't want to deal with any more unpleasant bodily sensations for a second whether that was the weight of a second consciousness inside of you or the simplest headache.</p>
<p>As he walked to school, he attempted to ignore the feeling of his stomach giving way to the frenzy of excitement as though an entire swarm of fireflies had congregated within him. It made him feel uneasy, but light and electric. So much for avoiding extreme bodily sensations. But where was this all coming from? The idea of just seeing Natsume? Maybe especially the idea of seeing Natsume finally express some kind of emotion in his direction after their conversation yesterday?</p>
<p><i>That doesn't quite sound healthy...</i> he lamented to himself. </p>
<p>Was he really this desperate to just get a reaction out of his friend? Because that's what he was first before all of these other feelings that were shaken up inside of him, his friend.</p>
<p>Tanuma hesitated to even admit it to himself, but he could feel the rush of adrenaline in the pit of his stomach thinking about Natsume reacting in some way beyond just a lost stare. He didn't necessarily want to <i>hurt</i> him, but he would also be insincere if he said he didn't want to see some kind of reaction.</p>
<p>There was just too much swirling in his mind to begin to unpack where each thread of thought went. There was the piece of him that felt guilty, knowing that Natsume probably just needed a hug—another piece of him feeling an overwhelming rush of feeling at the idea of holding him close like that. Another piece that felt it was a bit ironic that distance was what he had created after trying so hard to avoid it. And another piece that felt completely justified in using Natsume's methods against him.</p>
<p>Listen, if Natsume could handle being chased on a regular basis by creatures that want to eat him, Tanuma felt confident he could handle a moment of emotional turmoil—if he felt anything at all. His thoughts stuttered on that idea for a moment, the possibility that Natsume felt nothing at all. Nope, nope, nope. Not going there today, Tanuma sighed trying to reel it all back in from his vortex of swirling thoughts and emotions, trying to return to a state of neutrality.</p>
<p>And it was just in time to arrive at school. In his zoning out, he frankly couldn't have told anyone what he had passed by or seen on his walk because he was so stuck in his head.</p>
<p>"Tanuma!"</p>
<p>Turning towards his name being called, he saw Taki waving in his direction. Raising a hand, he offered a quick acknowledgement as he walked towards her.</p>
<p>
  <i>Act like everything is normal.</i>
</p>
<p>Part of him felt like an utter idiot, acting like Natsume's eyes could be on him at any minute and trying to act like he wasn't being pulled into this all consuming world of only thinking about Natsume, what he was thinking, what he was feeling, Natsume, Natsume, Natsume. </p>
<p>Tanuma felt embarrassed for himself. What an idiot he was. But no, he couldn't break his resolve. If Natsume could show off how stubborn he was every goddamn day of their friendship, Tanuma had the right to have a few days to do the same before completely caving and trying to pretend he was the merciful one in the process and not the other way around.</p>
<p>He was trying his best to just focus on Taki as they caught up, but god this was hard. </p>
<p>Filing into the classroom, he did his best to not look around and just focus on getting into his seat. He realized that even if Natsume did come in or had already come in and he hadn't noticed, he would be all the way behind him. Despite the feeling of disappointment, maybe this would work in his favor, then he would have to practice some self-restraint and keep himself looking ahead and focused. Just completely immerse himself in his school work and worry about all of <i>this</i> later. </p>
<p>But, he would be lying if he didn't try to hear if Natsume's chair slid out or if one of his other friends greeted him upon coming in before Tanuma truly tried to full-hearted focus on the lesson ahead.</p>
<p>Time both seemed to move painfully slow and incredibly quick as they headed towards their break, when finally it was time for lunch.</p>
<p>Okay, he just needed to be as absolutely casual and unassuming as possible. The epitome of carefree.</p>
<p><i>I'm not really sure if that's a way I could describe myself,</i> Tanuma lamented to himself. Carefree people didn't necessarily have to instruct themselves to <i>be</i> free of said care!</p>
<p>As he turned towards the door, Tanuma stole what seemed like an unassuming glance towards Natsume's spot—</p>
<p>—only to completely lock gazes with Natsume.</p>
<p>Who knew how much time had past with them completely frozen. While he knew he was looking at Natsume, he felt completely consumed by his presence to where he felt like vision was an incomplete means of taking this albeit silent interaction in.</p>
<p>It took all of his self-control to slowly, carefully, casually, all the ways of trying to look like he was completely unbothered and totally not feeling like his face was set on fire, turn his gaze away, drily swallow, and continue out of the room towards the spot he and Taki would sometimes eat lunch together.</p>
<p>The image of Natsume reaching out, speechless and stuttering yesterday was imprinted against his retinas as he attempted to walk down the hall in a collected manner.</p>
<p>If he had been able to say something, what would he have said? Was he reading into it too much? He would let himself be indulged for this moment that maybe, just maybe Natsume had something similar to say that Tanuma had been trying to articulate for far too long now.</p>
<p>——————————</p>
<p>He almost didn't recognize that Taki had sat with him as they ate their lunch. Tanuma was completely consumed by his own thoughts, giving just a few words and head nods whenever she was talking.</p>
<p>"You're really lovesick aren't you?" Taki threw in with a twinkle in her eye.</p>
<p>It was said so casually that without thinking Tanuma hummed in confirmation as he looked out around the schoolyard.</p>
<p>"You don't even know what you're saying, that's how bad it is!" she squealed playfully shoving his shoulder.</p>
<p>"I- what! I didn't mean-" he panicked, stiffening up, the glow that had consumed him turning frigid and then into heated embarrassment.</p>
<p>"Don't even pretend," Taki teased, wiggling her chopsticks at him. "Just look at you!"</p>
<p>Tanuma's mouth formed a thin line, all the words he was trying to find seemingly ready to overflow, but all the came out was the pitiful squeak of, "I don't know what you're talking about."</p>
<p>Tanuma had never seen someone roll their eyes so dramatically in response.</p>
<p>"Whatever you want to think. But don't pretend I didn't see Natsume looking out the window all class trying not to look at you," she sang conspiratorily.</p>
<p>Tanuma immediately felt his face flush, that hum returning to his stomach of what? Delight? Excitement? Either way it's how he felt whenever he was at the top of a tall building and imagined stepping off the ledge and just falling into nothingness.</p>
<p>"See! Look. At. You." she sang, poking his reddened face.</p>
<p>A moment of embarrassed silence elapsed where Tanuma was too overwhelmed— wait. Had she said lovesick? And he really didn't even question that?!</p>
<p>Okay, lovesick. That could have multiple meanings right? Right?!</p>
<p>"Natsume did look a bit sad though, what exactly happened between you two? Not that you have to share," Taki questioned, her eyebrow raising in a way that indicated she didn't really mean the last part of her statement and he needed to spill ASAP.</p>
<p>"Uh- er- I may be giving him a taste of his own medicine," he offered a bit sheepishly.</p>
<p>"Tanuma!" she whispered. "You know how fragile he is. Sure, he seems all aloof and like he's in another world sometimes, but you know how soft he is!"</p>
<p>After a beat of silence passed where Tanuma fumbled to create a response, Taki gave him a pointed look and said, "You better be careful that this doesn't get one or both of you in trouble. It's like playing with fire. I'm keeping an eye on you two."</p>
<p>Tanuma offered a reassuring hum before Taki mercifully let the conversation return back to the everyday chatter between them.</p>
<p>—————————</p>
<p>When they had returned to the classroom, Tanuma made a promise to give one <i>very</i> careful look in Natsume's direction to confirm Taki's report. </p>
<p>About half way through their afternoon lessons, he quickly turn to his left, just trying to catch Natsume in his peripheral vision as he pretended to grab something from his bag.</p>
<p>Maybe he was imagining it, but he thought he saw Natsume gazing wistfully out the window.</p>
<p>In all fairness, he didn't usually pay attention to what Natsume looked like during lessons because, well, when was there really the need? This was the first time they'd really ended up in a dilemma quite like this.</p>
<p>When their lesson finally ended, Tanuma took his time gathering his things only to see Natsume slip away through the other students like a fish through water. </p>
<p>Natsume was always fairly stoic expression-wise, but Tanuma hoped he wasn't reading too far into things to feel like his friend looked a bit down, with his head lowered and arms close to himself as he slipped out the door.</p>
<p>Geez, was Tanuma even in control of this still if Natsume was still avoiding him like he had already planned on doing? Wasn't he just playing into Natsume's hand after all?</p>
<p>And especially if Natsume was going to look like a kicked puppy in the process, well, it made Tanuma hesitate to let this go on too long.</p>
<p>——————————</p>
<p>As he walked home, he thought of what he wanted to say to Natsume to make this whole situation worthwhile and impactful as possible.</p>
<p>He had a few days to figure it out, because he knew even if Natsume was going on with his original plan that's what would've happened anyways if he didn't catch on so quickly.</p>
<p>What was there to say?</p>
<p>Both everything and nothing all at once it seemed.</p>
<p>What was he going to say, "Hi, I feel really weird around you, but in the best way possible, let's keep that up?!" Don't be ridiculous.</p>
<p>Because what was he feeling, exactly?</p>
<p>
  <i>Lovesick.</i>
</p>
<p>That was the word Taki had used but what the hell did that mean exactly? He knew the general meaning, but if specifically applied to this situation, did it fit?</p>
<p>Oh god, listen to him.</p>
<p><i>What does it mean specifically applied to this situation?</i> he thought in a mocking voice at himself.</p>
<p>"Are you okay, Tanuma?" his father asked kindly.</p>
<p>He realized he had just been staring into thin air with his next bite of food just being held in between his chopsticks.</p>
<p>"Oh- yes!" he said, quickly resuming eating at a quicker pace. "Long day."</p>
<p>He didn't like how his father looked at him just like Taki had earlier.</p>
<p>———————————</p>
<p>As Tanuma laid down to sleep, he continued the mental conversation he had been having with himself all day about how to wrap this whole saga up where Natsume and him would be just back to being friends again.</p>
<p>Friends.</p>
<p>Yeah, friends.</p>
<p>He did not like the feeling that cropped up in his mind that told him friends wasn't exactly going to cut it at this rate, and the glances that Taki and his father had given him were coming back to haunt him.</p>
<p>This feeling, whatever it was, let's say it's- Tanuma almost panicked even just thinking through this. Deep breaths. Let's say it was <i>affection</i>, or even <i>liking</i> Natsume, was this a good feeling for the general populace to be experiencing?! He had barely been able to pay attention to walking with his own two feet all day, certainly this <i>feeling</i> had grave implications.</p>
<p><i>Like vehicular accidents,</i> his mind piped up before he could even stop himself and in the darkness of his room he huffed a laugh at his own thought processes.</p>
<p>Okay, maybe it was time to come clean to his own conscience that yes, indeed, he <i>may</i> have some kind of feelings towards his friend. His stubborn, stupid, way too self-sacrificing, idiot of a friend.</p>
<p>Now that he admitted it to himself, could he return to earth now, please? Where his body didn't always feel like it was floating and humming with excitement? As intoxicating as it was, he would like to be able to think straight- ha, <i>straight</i>.</p>
<p>Wait.</p>
<p>Tanuma sat up in bed quickly, gripping his hair in his hands.</p>
<p>Did this mean he wasn't straight?</p>
<p><i>That's enough thinking for tonight, Tanuma,</i> he thought to himself as he slowly slid back down to a resting position. He had come around to admitting he felt something towards Natsume today and that had been a multi-month project, <i>this</i>, this could wait.</p>
<p>————————</p>
<p>Tanuma tried to pretend he didn't see his father grinning at him as he rushed to get ready the next morning, ready to take on the day and, if the timing seemed appropriate, maybe try this conversation with Natsume again—hopefully with a better outcome than last time.</p>
<p>That being said he was still trying to figure out exactly <i>what</i> he was going to say. He had at least arrived at what seemed like the most important part of this project, aka admitting this all to himself, but the words hadn't quite followed suit. </p>
<p>Because how do you even begin putting all those feelings into words? Much more, what was he hoping would happen when he shared... whatever he ended up figuring out?</p>
<p>
  <i>I just want to be part of your world.</i>
</p>
<p>Tanuma felt himself flush recounting the words that had painfully echoed in his mind just a few days ago only to feel them again with more warmth.</p>
<p>
  <i>You are his mirror.</i>
</p>
<p>The thought fragments from the past few days swirled in his mind, especially from what the youkai had shared—he almost laughed in spite of himself thinking of what an idiot the youkai must've thought he was, especially when she had inhabited his body and certainly felt the whirlwind of emotions he'd felt with Natsume at dead center.</p>
<p>He supposed they did reflect one another. Natsume encouraging him to be more daring and stronger, and he'd like to think he'd helped Natsume speak up about what he needed more often—okay, maybe this present circumstance wasn't a great example, but he felt like they'd get there.</p>
<p>———————</p>
<p>Just like yesterday, Tanuma focused on paying attention to the lesson. He wasn't going to get a chance to try to catch Natsume until after school anyways, so he might as well try to split his brain power between the lesson and, again, trying to figure out exactly what it was that he was trying to say—much less, what he wanted.</p>
<p>As he sat down with Taki at lunch she looked at him and said, "Did you see that Natsume wasn't in today?"</p>
<p>It felt like an entire boulder had sank into his stomach, making him feel impossibly heavy and tired.</p>
<p>"You know how he gets, I'm sure he'll be in tomorrow!"</p>
<p><i>He better be,</i> Tanuma thought with a little bit of petulance behind it, but it was mostly the weight of disappointment that sat with him most significantly.</p>
<p>——————————</p>
<p>Only it wasn't just that day. It was the next.</p>
<p>And the day after that.</p>
<p>And the day after.</p>
<p>At some point, he couldn't tell if he had just thought it had been a long time because how the days would drag on forever wondering if Natsume would at some point appear or if it had actually been a long time.</p>
<p>Apparently, he wasn't the only one to notice though.</p>
<p>After class, Nishimura approached him saying, "Hey, Tanuma! Where's Natsume been?"</p>
<p>He didn't quite know what to do with the variety of emotions that sprung up like water at the bottom of the well knowing that it really wasn't just his imagination. Natsume had really been absent for it to at least be noticeable to other people.</p>
<p>All he could offer was a shrug replying, "I'm not sure."</p>
<p>This casual reply was a completely different story than in his mind. Honestly, the past few days he had barely been in his own mind or body. Instead, he felt like he was running on auto-pilot, like he was buffering until he finally say Natsume and then he could come to life, ready to spill all of these thoughts that had been just swarming in his mind.</p>
<p>The most painful part of it, and where he felt like he was being a bit pathetic honestly, was where he found himself starting to relive memories of them together, where Natsume wore a different expression than the tense, downtrodden one that Tanuma had seen last.</p>
<p>"Do you think one of us should go to his house?" Kitamoto said, joining the conversation near where Nishimura was standing. "Maybe he's sick or something."</p>
<p>Without thinking, Tanuma found himself replying, "I'll go."</p>
<p>Processing his actual reply made him feel like ice was running through his veins, because what if it was that Natsume just really didn't want anything to do with him anymore after this whole ... situation?</p>
<p>No, obviously there was something up if he wasn't even showing up to school. It really could just be that he was sick or maybe this had really taken an emotional toll on it. Honestly, given Natsume's talent at expressing emotions, he wouldn't be all that shocked if that's really what he'd gotten sick over.</p>
<p>Tanuma almost laughed thinking about it, feeling the chilled anxiety dissipate into warmth and fondness thinking about Natsume, sick at home because he was having a hard time articulating his feelings. For someone who always wanted to be unassuming and out of the way, Natsume sure had a knack of being incredibly dramatic.</p>
<p>Finishing his conversation with Kitamoto and Nishimura, promising them he'd report back with any information he got about their friend, he began the walk towards Natsume's house, trying to ignore the way his heartbeat was becoming a bit more audible in his own ears that he'd like.</p>
<p>He tried to focus on his surroundings, but couldn't help but be drawn to the image that had emerged in his mind just moments prior, this idea of Natsume needing to be cared for because he was so overwhelmed with his own emotions. On one hand, it was funny, hilarious even, but on the other he couldn't help but think of how Natsume looked when he was finally relaxed or the times they'd been on trips sharing a room and getting to see Natsume finally peaceful when he was sleeping.</p>
<p>Hopefully that would be an expression he could see more of in the future. Tanuma felt his face flush with embarrassment. He knew Taki would love nothing more than to just eat this up if she knew he was thinking this! But she had probably already been laughing at him to his face for months at this point, he realized.</p>
<p>Tanuma tried to ground himself, focusing on the path ahead now that he was only a short distance away from Natsume's house, hoping he could actually look presentable and mentally all there despite his brain being in a completely different world the past few days.</p>
<p>It was then that he noticed a rustle in the bushes that seemed to be only getting louder and louder, until it was a bush nearly just in front of him.</p>
<p>"Ponta!"</p>
<p>Out from the brush, Natsume's weird-looking cat had sprung up and was flying through the air towards him.</p>
<p>"It's time for your favor, dumbass!"</p>
<p>His favor? His- oh!</p>
<p>He quickly flashed back to the cat's passing comment about owing him a favor back when Natsume was staying at his house—what was that, a week or two ago at this rate?</p>
<p>"Hey! You better be paying attention! Natsume's gotten himself in serious trouble! You better go help him out."</p>
<p>Given the glean in his eyes, Tanuma felt like the cat was just pulling his leg.</p>
<p>"You're a terrible actor, Ponta," he grumbled, picking him up to hold him at arm's length, but was surprised to find the cat struggling and starting to run along the path.</p>
<p>"Geez, you really are useless, and here I was trying to give you two a chance. That's the last time I'll be doing that!"</p>
<p>Wait- was he not kidding? </p>
<p>"Wait, I'm coming!"</p>
<p>"Well, I sure hope so!"</p>
<p>God, where the hell did Natsume find such a creature?</p>
<p>Thankfully, his legs were a bit longer than Ponta's and was soon easily jogging next to him.</p>
<p>"What happened?" Tanuma panted, hoping their pace could pick up if things were actually looking bad.</p>
<p>"You know Natsume, he got himself involved where he didn't need to be," Ponta replied somewhat admonishingly.</p>
<p>Tanuma could barely suppress the small smile that was creeping across his face, but it was quickly chased off when he met his companion's narrowed gaze.</p>
<p>He thought he heard Ponta mutter something under his breath, but he decided to not press on the matter.</p>
<p>"Are we close?" Tanuma huffed as he attempted to not get completely eaten alive by the brush and branches they were dodging past at this point.</p>
<p>"What, a jog going to kill you?"</p>
<p>He tried to restrain rolling his eyes, waiting for the next part that eventually came, "It is just ahead- oh! Well, it looks like maybe he solved the youkai problem, but looks like Natsume forgot he's a human... again."</p>
<p>Like a bird that had hit a window, Natsume was crumpled up on his side. The earth around him was torn up and strewn about.</p>
<p>"Natsume!" Tanuma felt himself cry out, quickening his pace to run up the slight crest of a hill that Natsume was on.</p>
<p>Natsume was not in good shape. This was beyond their typical scrapes and bruises routine. The thing people never mentioned was how bizarre it was to experience something like this on just a weekday afternoon, knowing that other people were at work, even still at school, whereas he was knelt next to his friend's broken body because of creatures other people couldn't see. How do you even begin to know how to respond to that situation?</p>
<p>"Natsume," he called out, somewhat softer, shaking at Natsume's shoulder tenatively, afraid that he would only worsen whatever damage was already present.</p>
<p>Tanuma wanted to pretend he didn't feel and see Natsume's initial flinch when he barely opened his eyes to meet Tanuma's gaze.</p>
<p>"Tanuma," Natsume croaked out, his eyes seeming sleepy and his speech a bit slurred. After a second of coming to his senses, he pushed himself up and Tanuma away, wildly looking around before folding onto the ground once more.</p>
<p>"I think you took care of whatever was here," Tanuma awkwardly tried to reassure, his brain just completely fried and unsure how to handle his friend's weakened state.</p>
<p>"I- I'm sorry, Tanuma," he heard Natsume hoarsely whisper and when their eyes met again, he saw Natsume's begin to collect tears that threatened to spill over onto his battered and bloodied face.</p>
<p>Tanuma shook his head, trying to ignore the stinging of his eyes and the matching lump in his throat that was forming out of simultaneous fear and joy—the happiness that overcame him from being able to talk to Natsume again, but the overwhelming fear that that was almost impossible.</p>
<p>"Let's get you out of here," Tanuma softly replied. "Can- uh- I'm going to need to pick you up."</p>
<p>He knew the adrenaline coursing through his body would make it possible for him to pick up his peer with ease, but the idea of holding Natsume close like that, it made his mouth feel dry and legs unsteady.</p>
<p>With a small nod of his head, Natsume closed his eyes, seemingly bracing himself to be picked up.</p>
<p>Trying to move carefully and slowly, mindful of when Natsume would wince or emit a sound that indicated pain, Tanuma finally, <i>finally</i> had Natsume in his arms.</p>
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